


The Agent I Want To Be

by SophieRomanoff97



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anorexia, BAMF Jemma Simmons, Big Brother Grant Ward, Blood, Canon Divergence - No Hydra Takeover, Cutting, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Grant Ward Feels, Grant Ward Isn't Hydra, Graphic Description, Hurt Skye | Daisy Johnson, Jemma Simmons & Skye | Daisy Johnson Friendship, Jemma Simmons Needs a Hug, Melinda May Feels, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Phil Coulson Needs a Hug, Protective Grant Ward, Protective Leo Fitz, Protective Melinda May, Protective Phil Coulson, Protective Skye | Daisy Johnson, SHIELD Family, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Skye | Daisy Johnson Feels, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Hard, Team Feels, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-23 15:45:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 23,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13193304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophieRomanoff97/pseuds/SophieRomanoff97
Summary: Skye is pushing herself more and more, putting her health in serious jeopardy. Can Ward and her family help her through it or will her desire to be better prevail? Warnings and information inside. SkyeWard relationship, FitzSimmons and maybe some Philinda. Enter at your own risk. Love you lovelies! -SophieOriginally posted on Fanfic..net, cba to remove notes from top and bottom, now includes self-harm and suicide attempts.WARNINGS FOR EATING DISORDERS, SELF-HARM, SUICIDE ATTEMPT, BLOOD, VIOLENCEBe careful!





	1. 1

TW: Disordered thinking, could be considered an eating disorder. Set after 'The Hub' but no real spoilers that I'm aware of. Sorry if it's OOC. May turn into a two-shot or three-shot. Reviews are love!

Punch. Punch. Breathe. Hit. Harder, come on! It's been five hours, that's it, Skye, pick it up. Dizzy is good, dizzy is your friend, you're working hard. It proves it. No, no sitting down, have to keep going.

Gasping for breath, the hacktivist let her head rest on the punching bag, hands stilling and dropping to her sides. Even with the bandages wrapped around her palm and knuckles, her hands were throbbing, bright red with bruises forming. Maybe a break is needed, she thought woozily, pushing away from the bag and stumbling until she reached the wall. Sliding down, she drank the last dregs of water from her bottle.

She'd been…well, rationing herself. A sip every half hour or so, she felt like it was helping. If she worked hard enough, she'd allow herself more water. It was stupid really, she knew that water would surely help her dizziness, but still, she couldn't bring herself to drink more than a quarter of the bottle in a sitting.

Even more worryingly, she'd been rationing food. It's not like the Bus was running out or anything but she just wasn't hungry. Right? Besides, she still made sure to eat the meal they all ate one day of the week. After the sandwich incident, Fitz had decided that one night every week, they should all have a meal together. Simmons had made her special sandwiches for that first night and even Ward had agreed that they were delicious.

So what if she could only stomach a few bites, it's not like it was a problem or anything. She just wasn't hungry. Her stomach was in knots after numerous sleepless nights and alternating time zones. And so what if when she say May doing yoga or tai-chi and felt jealous, the woman had a killer body. And so what if she would watch her superiors work out or kick some ass on a mission and feel useless. She was really, in comparison. If Ward hadn't saved her that first mission of hers, she would be dead.

The food wasn't a problem. Okay, so maybe she'd decided she should diet. May constantly seemed to eat nothing but healthy foods and she was fine, better than fine. So who cared if Skye decided she really wanted to eat some salad? She was an agent in training, she needed to be in tip top working condition, if that meant losing a little weight and working out a little more, what did it matter? Ward was finally getting the rookie he wanted.

"Skye?" the woman looked up at the sound of her name and by the look on her SO's face, it wasn't the first time he'd tried to get her attention.

"Yo robot, sup?" she forced a grin as she looked up, happy and carefree Skye once more.

"Are you okay?" he asked, offering his hand to help her up. Skye carefully took it and he hauled her up easily, one eyebrow raising. He said nothing, eyes watching her as she wavered slightly.

"Fine, just tired. Not all of us have the stamina of The Cavalry." she smirked, rolling her shoulders and heading back to the punching bag, giving it a few jabs. Ward silently moved to stand opposite her, hands braced on the bag, pressing some of his weight against it so it didn't move as much.

They worked in silence for a little over half an hour before Ward stepped away from the bag. "Time. I think you've done enough for today. Go shower, May's cooking tonight." he nodded, passing her a bottle of water and a towel.

Thank god. Something healthy then.

Skye smiled, sipping the water and dabbing at her neck and chest. "Yeah, fair enough. But you don't get out sparring that easily. You promised me." she huffed, tilting her head to the side and batting her lashes.

Ward blew out an exasperated sigh, rolling his eyes. "Fine. Later. See if we can get you all tired out for bed." he hummed and immediately the tips of his ears turned bright red as what he said registered.

God, that sounded like he was prepositioning me.

The hacker chuckled and patted his chest on the way out, being nice and letting him wallow in his mortification alone.

When they sat down to eat, Skye was feeling more than a little sick. She was tired but wound up and was debating just skipping dinner all together when Ward sat down. He greeted her with a 'hello' and a quick smile before he started to fill his plate. May must have been working forever; homemade hamburgers, a salad full of things she was sure she had never seen before, even homemade bread for the burgers. And lo and behold, May, healthy eating Melinda, had baked. A cake. There was no way Skye could eat any of that without throwing up, and even if she didn't, it would just make her feel sick and heavy and useless and fa-no. No, she wasn't fat. She could not think like that! There was no way she was overweight, she was normal. Just a normal weight.

So, she loaded salad onto her plate, nibbling on something green and trying to appear as if she was really enjoying it. The chatter was comfortable, even Ward and May joining in rather enthusiastically. Skye forced herself to talk, joining in, generally being loud, hoping they wouldn't notice how most of her food remained on her plate.

When FitzSimmons cleaned up and May started to cut up the cake, Skye excused herself. "Sorry. As wonderful as that looks, I'm feeling a little ill." she held her hand up as Jemma started to talk. "I'm fine, really. I'm going to give the bag an hour or so and head to bed." she smiled, rummaging in the fridge for a bottle of water before slinking back down to the 'gym'.

Exactly an hour later, Ward turned up, hands on his hips. "Skye." he said evenly and she glanced up to see that he was blocking her way out.

"You've been acting strange ever since me and Fitz came back."

If only. If only it had only been since then. Months had gone past since their first interaction. Months that she'd spent watching Ward and May and Coulson, months she'd spent skipping meals and working out, pushing herself, wanting to be better. Wanting to be an agent, an agent that Coulson could be proud of. An agent that would make May smile and an agent that Ward admire. An agent that FitzSimmons could rely on. The agent that she wanted to become.

She shrugged, starting to unwrap her hands. "I'm going to bed. See you for training in the morning."

"Skye." Grant sighed, shaking his head. "You don't look well. Go to Simmons, get her to check you over. I'll cancel training tomorrow until you're feeling better." he said, almost gently.

Skye nearly flipped. She didn't need coddling! She needed her workouts, she didn't need to be treated like a child or a nuisance. And some small part of her knew that Ward didn't mean it like that at all, he was genuinely concerned for his rookie's health.

"Ward, I'm fine." she said through gritted teeth, shoving the bag angrily.

It happened quickly; a wave of dizziness hit Skye and before she could even stumble out of the way, the bag hit her square in the chest. She actually flew back a few feet, somehow managing to stay upright. For a few seconds.

Her vision was blurred, heart pounding in her ears. She couldn't see.

"Skye!" she heard, the voice sounding far-away and panicked.

It was the last thing she heard before dropping to the floor.


	2. 2

I am blown away by the response this story has got, thank you so much to all reviewers, followers and people who favourited! This is the largest response I've ever got for a fanfiction, so again thank you, I hope I don't disappoint with the next chapter.

Ward wasn't worried. Nope. Definitely not worrying, Skye was a big girl, she could generally take care of herself. He wasn't worried when he saw he working out, when he saw her push her food around her plate. He certainly wasn't worried as he watched her energy waver. As the bag knocked her, and it was a knock, that's why he hadn't reached out to stop it.

But Skye stumbled back. And he knew as soon as he saw her face that she was about to collapse. Not worried. Not worried. Oh hell, who was he kidding? He was terrified.

"Skye!" he exclaimed, rushing over, unfortunately not in time to stop her hitting the cold ground. He did manage to cradle her head and he quickly shifted her so she was mainly in his lap. "Skye?" he asked urgently, shaking her shoulder. No response.

He refused to admit that his hands shook as he tipped her head back, fingers searching for a pulse. He let out a small breath as he felt the flutter under his fingertips.

She's cold, he realised as an afterthought, and he recalled Skye's earlier statement about feeling a 'little ill'. This wasn't ill, this was sick, really sick. He'd been an agent for years; had seen gunshots and hypothermia and stab wounds and about any kind of injury someone could imagine. He knew when someone was in danger. She was pale and cold, her breathing laboured, pulse weak. How the hell had he not noticed?

Except…except maybe he had. He knew she had been working out more, but pushing it to the brink of collapse? Had he seen that? Had he maybe ignored it because he was still bitter over the Miles incident? Either way, Skye was sick. And now he had to deal with the consequences.

Ward lifted Skye easily, far too easily. His stomach fell and everything seemed to fall into place. Oh god, Skye, what the hell have you been doing to yourself?

He rushed from the gym and up into the main area, calling out. "Simmons! Coulson!" he shouted, gently laying the hacker on the largest sofa, taking a moment to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

Should have noticed. Should have done something.

"Ward?" Simmons asked softly, obviously a little confused. Fitz was chattering away at her side, idling with some sort of tech, "and really, I don't see the problem with the Night-Night gun, I really think he's overreacting and-"

"Fitz, shut up for one minute!" Ward snapped and something clicked for Simmons who sprang forward, originally believing that Skye was sleeping. She knelt beside the young hacker, gently pressing two fingers to her neck,

"Ward, what happened?" she asked, turning over her shoulder to glance at Fitz, who seemed to understand. He left the room quickly to gather the medical supplies from the lab.

"She was working out, didn't look well. I told her to get checked out. She pushed the bag, really, I would have stopped it but I thought you could just punch it or…or move or something. It knocked her and she just…collapsed.

Both Coulson and May appeared then, Coulson looking mildly concerned, May looking disinterested as per usual, though something in her eyes hinted that she was just as worried as Phil. They kept out of the way, watching silently as Fitz came stumbling back in, three green med bags in his arms. He placed them down and knelt beside Jemma, both talking and starting to work, just like they were working on some sort of experiment- in sync.

"Dehydrated." Jemma murmured after pinching the back of Skye's hand. "I can't put my finger on what's wrong. I'd say flu but…something's just not right." she looked up, gently biting her lower lip.

Grant closed his eyes briefly, not wanting to voice his concerns, have them become a reality. He'd been to S.H.I.E.L.D's psychiatric centre only once and the image had stayed with him; haunted eyes, frail bodies, the screaming and the eerie quietness at home together.

He couldn't imagine someone like Skye there, happy and bubbly. A smartass and a joker. She was still just a kid. It would break her. But was she already broken?

No. No, of course she isn't. She's sick. And now she has a family to take care of her.

Jemma was inserting an IV into the back of Skye's hand when Ward spoke up. "Jemma." he croaked, clearing his throat and nearly stiffening as all eyes swivelled to him.

"I think…In fact, I'm sure that…Skye hasn't been…" he swallowed, shaking his head. "She hasn't been eating. I…she's been working out so much but there's always food gone so I thought that she was at least looking after herself." That was how he'd been trained; the more you work out, the bigger meals you eat, to replace lost energy and calories.

But Skye hadn't been eating. Not really. And with the work outs she'd been pushing her body through, the water she'd apparently decided she didn't need, and the sleepless nights…was it any wonder her body had eventually had enough?

Jemma's eyes were brimming with tears and she hastily rubbed them, turning back to Skye, shoulders shaking slightly as she set about making the hacker comfortable. They'd become close in the past few months, doing general girly things like gossiping and painting their nails (neither of them had had that growing up so it was a nice change for the both of them).

The bus was silent for a few minutes whilst Simmons worked and the others watched. May and Coulson were standing a little closer together and Fitz's hand had found its place on Simmons' back, running up and down gently.

When Simmons sat back, slumping against Leo a little, Ward could see Skye. She looked awful. He wasn't sure if it was the unhealthy pallor, the tube sticking out of her hand, the mask placed over her face or just the sheer knowledge of what was happening in Skye's mind. Of what she was doing to herself.

Fitz slowly glanced over at Coulson and then Ward before activating Happy, quite ironic really, and setting the little bot to work. A few minutes later, he had his results. He showed them to Jemma, whose tears brimmed over, trickling down her cheeks. Skye was ill, seriously ill.

105 pounds. Skye was five foot five and she only weighed 105 pounds. 47.6 kilos.

Underweight.

She swallowed and shakily wiped her eyes. "Skye needs help." she said gruffly. "If what Ward is saying is true and…judging by these measurements, he is, she cannot carry on like this. Are we understood?" determination flashed in her eyes and she stood. "We are the only family she has and whether you don't care," she looked at May, "whether you're still pissed off for something that happened months ago," she then turned to look pointedly at Ward. "We have to help her." and with that, she took Fitz's hand and pulled him to the door, pausing. "Call me when she wakes up." she said flatly before leaving, Fitz, silent for once, trailing behind her.

Both Phil and Melinda stepped forward, May bending to whisper something in Skye's ear. She squeezed her shoulder and walked from the room.

Coulson brushed his fingers over her forehead and down her cheek, something akin to pain in his eyes. He stayed silent, turning to watch Ward for a few seconds. "You look after her." he said evenly, almost as if it was a threat.

Then he too left and Ward was alone with Skye. His legs didn't seem to want to carry him anymore and he collapsed on his knees beside her, automatically his hand seeking out his rookie's. He cradled the hand to his cheek almost absently, eyes flitting up and down Skye's body, stomach churning and heart pounding.

I should have noticed. What kind of Supervising Officer am I? What kind of…friend?

I failed. I should have noticed.

I'm sorry, Skye.

Okay guys, I just want to say a few things. Firstly, thank you again. Secondly, I'm sorry if that chapter was OOC and rubbish, I feel like I really let myself down with this chapter. Please let me know what you think. And lastly, I want your guys input on a few things. How do you feel about me including not only SkyeWard but FitzSimmons and May/Phil? And how do you feel about me having Coulson as Skye's father and maybe May for her mother? One? Both? Neither? Next chapter should be up Sunday, at the latest Monday. If you guys want me to carry on, that is.

Reviews are love, thank you for reading!

Until next time- Sophie.


	3. 3

Thank you so much, everyone. All the comments have blown me away. Thank you to all those who answered my questions, I know where I'm headed now. This will probably end up way longer than a three-shot. Oopsie! On with the story

Ugh, I feel so sick.

Skye woke slowly to a pounding in her temples and pain in her stomach. She winced, bringing a hand up to rub her temple only to knock something. Startled, she blinked her eyes open and pulled at the oxygen mask, pulling it off her head. A muscular forearm came into her slightly blurred view, taking it from her hands. "You need to keep this on." Grant said softly, gently placing the strap over her head and placing the mask over her mouth.

"Jemma said that your oxygen levels are low. I'll go get her to check on you." he muttered gruffly, standing, back cracking slightly.

"Grant." Skye swallowed, reaching out to snatch his hand. "Look at me?" she said softly, though it came out as a question, weak and hoarse.

Ward cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. "I need to get Jemma. You're ill, Skye, and she needs to make sure you're okay."

Hah, okay? None of this is okay, Skye is nowhere near okay.

The hacker nodded, letting go of his hand and curling her own to her chest. She watched him wearily, expression almost panicked. They don't know. They can't know. Have to make them believe you're ill. Cough, something! They cannot know the goddamn truth!

She gave a soft cough, patting her chest. "God, my throat hurts. I knew it, I am getting sick." she said weakly, flitting her gaze up to watch his face.

Ward stiffened, swallowing back anger. Lies.

"Okay then, Skye. Well let me get Jemma." he said flatly, gaze on the floor as he hurried from the room. When he got to the lab, he shoved the door open, startled both occupants. "Skye's awake. But don't expect much from her, she's blatantly lying about what happened." He spat, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Jemma was the first to move, peeling off her gloves and shoving them in the bin. "Come on, Fitz." she said overtly brightly, taking his hand. She paused at the door, sighing and turning to face Ward.

"Maybe you should go sleep, Agent Ward. I'm going to be staying with Skye until I know she's stable. No one says a word until she's out of danger, understood? She's obviously not ready to talk about why she's doing this. And the way to go about getting her to open up is not that way you would do it, if you'll forgive me. It's just…I think Skye just needs support right now, not her tough love SO." she said gently, guilty for having a go at him earlier. She was just worried about Skye, about her sister.

Ward stood silent for a moment before shaking his head. "I'm going to come with you. I'll…sit out of the way, but I'm not leaving her now." he said respectfully but firmly.

He missed the slightly smug smile that crossed Fitz's lips.

Jemma tilted her head to the side before slowly nodding. "Fine. But no upsetting her. Her body is weak already, the last thing we need right now is for her to go into shock or really get sick. People who…don't eat as much as they should," She refused to call it an eating disorder, "have weak immune systems. Their organs can start to shut down. We already know that Skye's heart is struggling, the blood isn't pumping as good as it should be; her fingers are cold, colder than the rest of her. And I've had to up the oxygen intake she's receiving." the bio-chemist swallowed and clutched Fitz's hand. "Anyway, let's see how she is." she said quickly, tuning on her heel.

When they reached the main area, Ward thought he might be sick, panic clawing its way up his throat.

Skye was gone.

"Goddammit!" Jemma swore, slamming her hand into the inter-com. "Coulson, May, Skye's gone." she turned. "Well what are you doing standing there?" she snapped at the two men, "go find her!"

She shoved past them, heading down to Skye's bunk first.

Ward headed to the gym, getting worked up when she wasn't there. He met Simmons in the corridor, cursing when he saw the panic stricken expression on her face. They turned simultaneously at the sound of muffled sobbing.

"Skye!" Jemma turned, following the noise, slightly startled to be standing outside Ward's bunk. "Skye, sweetheart, its me." she stuck her hand out behind her, gesturing for Ward to give her his key-card. "I'm going to come in, okay?" she said gently, starting to slide the door open.

The hacker shook her head, swiping clumsily at her eyes, hunkering back against the wall. She was gasping for breath, chest heaving rapidly. Blood trickled down her hand, smearing across her cheek as she tried to hide the tears.

"You know." she croaked out, breathless and panicking.

"Yes sweetheart." Jemma spoke softly, approaching the bed slowly, like Skye was a wounded animal. "But it's okay, you have us now, all of us. And we're going to help you." she sat down beside the girl, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her to her chest.

Ward stood at the door, watching silently, gaze pained. Footsteps sounded behind him and he turned, faced with the rest of the team. Each of them looked in varying stages of panic, even cold, expressionless May. When Ward nodded, jerking his thumb into his bunk, they all seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn't like she could have gone anywhere, not really, they were in the air.

She could have jumped off, just like Jemma.

Okay, so obviously they would have heard the alarm and so the thought had been irrational, but still.

"Skye! Skye, sweetheart, look at me. Breathe, I need you to calm down." Jemma's voice was rising. "Ward." she called and he rushed in, taking in the scene before him.

Skye's eyelids were fluttering shut, her lips tinted blue as she gasped, trembling violently against Jemma.

Panic attack, his mind supplied. But with the way her body was right now, how weak she was, she could be in serious trouble.

Jemma all but pushed him to sit down, placing Skye in front of him, his thighs bracing her hips. He tucked his chin against her shoulder, pressing her back to his chest.

"Skye." he said gruffly, taking a deep measured breath. "Follow me, follow my breathing. You're fine." he said softly, just to her, lips against her ear. "In and out." he pressed her palm to the base of his neck, where she could feel the thud of his pulse. "There we go." he gently tucked her hair behind her ear with his free hand, soothing the quaking, panting girl that he didn't even recognise as Skye.

A few minutes of careful breathing later and Jemma was back, placing the oxygen mask over her mouth. "Here we are." she said gently, glancing up at Ward, who was tight lipped and pale faced.

Skye's head lolled back against Ward's shoulder, breathing laboured but even, her eyes closed. He swallowed and looked towards the door, towards his team and…dammit, his family.

They could do this, they could help Skye and they would, Grant was damn sure of it.

They were her family and they would protect her from anything.

Even if that meant protecting the hacker from herself.

Okay, so…kinda crappy chapter, sorry guys :/

Oh and, I think I know where I'm going now. There will definitely be SkyeWard and FizSimmons, there will most likely be Coulson/May, and they will not be her parents. Not biologically, but they will basically adopt her as a daughter, so we'll see loads of parenty and family fluff.

Until next time, thank you for everything. Reviews are love! Hope I didn't let you down- Sophie.


	4. 4

Thank you, everyone, you have no idea how much your support means to me. Thank you so much. and sorry for all mistakes- my work has never been beta-read. On with the story :)

Ward woke up with Skye cradled against his chest, his arms wrapped around her. He was wide awake in an instant, going still until he felt Skye breathe. He himself didn't breathe for at least a minute, just listening to her inhales and exhales, reminding himself that she was still there.

And as long as she was still there, there was still hope.

Ward recalled the previous night, the occupants of the Bus crowded around his bunk at three in the morning, each of them panicked and concerned. Once Skye had drifted to sleep, Jemma had reinserted the IV and swathed the girl in blankets. It had been difficult to move in the cramped space but they had all managed. Once Skye was comfortable, Simmons had prodded and poked at Ward's shoulder until the agent had slid down onto the bed. He had been silent the whole time, his arm wrapped protectively around Skye's waist (he had felt sick at the feel of her hip under his hand) as he positioned her against his chest. He had stayed awake long after the others had retired to their own beds, all very reluctant to leave actually.

But finally, he had succumbed to sleep, he was just grateful that his years as an agent meant he was a light sleeper, he would never have forgiven himself had something happened and he not woke up.

As it was, Skye had slept through the whole night with no problems, for which Grant was extremely grateful.

Now he had to face the other problems. How could they convince Skye to eat, to cut it down on the work outs? Not only was her body weak but if she had kept going, it could easily have killed her. Could still kill her.

When Skye started to stir, Grant loosened his grip around her middle, not wanting to hacker to feel cornered or smothered. "Morning." he murmured, rolling onto his back as she started to squirm.

"What time is it?" she mumbled, burrowing under the layers of blankets, her hand tucked under her head.

"Nearly noon, sleepy head." he tried to joke, to tease, but nothing about it felt right.

"Noon?!" Skye almost shrieked, starting to kick off the blankets. "Dammit, why didn't you wake me? I have work to do and I…" she trailed off, closing her eyes. "You're not going to let me, are you?"

"That depends. If you mean work as in your computer stuff then sure, you can do that. If you mean go to the gym, then no." he said evenly, sitting up to gauge her reaction.

She was surprisingly calm.

"Fine, whatever. Now get out of my-" Oh shit, this isn't my bunk.

"Ward?" she didn't really remember her trip from the living area to Ward's bunk, it couldn't be that she mistaken it for hers, they were on opposite sides of the corridor.

"It's fine, we found you here, you were upset, you remember yeah?" he prodded gently and she nodded, rubbing her eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, just got confused."

They were silent were a few minutes, Skye trying to figure out what to say and Ward trying to think about how to phrase his next question.

"See, thing is Skye, you know that this isn't healthy, right?" he turned to face her, face stern and calm. The only thing giving away his concern and yes, his panic, were his eyes. And as he turned to face her, eye to eye, for the first time since it had all happened, she could see.

Why is he so…worked up? I'm fine, I thought he'd be happy, I thought they'd all be happy. I can become a good agent now, I can be like Black Widow and May and Agent Hill. I can be like them, I just have to get fit, I just have to look like they do, feel like they do.

"I'm fine. Really, I'm just…shifting all this stubborn weight. I just…want to be like them." she whispered, frowning and rubbing her eyes, scraping her hair off her face. "Don't you ever see someone and think hey, if I worked harder, I could be just as good as them. I could do it, Ward, I could be like May, I could be a good fighter. I could be a good agent, you just have to let me do this!" she exclaimed, pulling the stupid mask off her face, flinging it against the wall.

"Skye, sweetheart, calm down." the term of endearment slipped off his tongue. Oh hell. What am I getting myself into?

Unbeknownst to Ward and Skye, May sat just outside the door, head leaning against the wall.

'I could be like May.'

Oh Skye, you don't ever want to be like me.

May had been in Skye's position; a rookie, scared and wanting to prove herself. She'd gone through stages of working herself unconscious, but she'd had Coulson, she'd been different back then.

She hadn't been the infamous Cavalry.

Agent May pulled herself up, schooling her expression and knocking on the door, sliding it open. "Ward, Jemma wants to see you in the lab." she said curtly, standing and obviously waiting for him to leave before she spoke again.

"You fancy getting cleaned up? I can help you to the bathroom?" she asked quietly.

Skye was taken aback as she rubbed a few tears from her eyes. Now she thought about it, she did feel kinda gross.

She didn't want to accept help, least of all from May who barely spoke to her, but now that it had been mentioned, she really did want to clean up. And after sitting up, it was clear she wouldn't make it on her own.

Pathetic.

May was silent and contemplative as she wound an arm around Skye's back, forcing the jealousy to the forefront of Skye's mind. It wasn't Melinda's fault. No way was it. But living in an enclosed space with someone for so long…she couldn't help but wish she was different. And May was strong and brave and beautiful, she had a nickname and a stellar reputation. She was respected but she wasn't arrogant. She was flawless, perfect, brilliant. Who could blame a girl for wanting to be like that?

When they came to the bathroom, May surprised Skye by coming in with her. The older agent turned on the shower, taking Skye and placing her on the side of the bathtub.

"I'm not who you think I am, Skye." she started to undo her standard SHIELD suit, movements brisk and efficient. "I'm not perfect, I'm not without flaws."

She felt exposed, horribly, horribly exposed.

Swallowing, the agent slid her suit down to her knees.

Skye was confused and flustered at this point. Seeing May as somewhat of an older sister/mother figure, this was exceptionally awkward.

"Skye. Look at me." May resisted the urge to hug herself.

The hacker reluctantly looked up.

"Tell me what you see. Am I fat? Am I perfect? Do I need to lose weight?" Melinda asked softly.

Skye shook her head rapidly. "No! You don't, you're healthy and you have muscles but not…" she flinched, bowing her head and rubbing her temples.

"I see what you're trying to do. Just because you don't need to lose weight, doesn't mean I don't have to." she said flatly, gaze down as she wrung her hands.

"I died, Skye. I got shot, right here." she tapped her shoulder. "You see the scar? That's not perfect now is it? You see my stomach? It's not flat, I have some muscles but I have an overall curvy figure. I'm healthy, Skye, do you see that?" May quickly shoved her arms in her suit and zipped it back up. She had to get through to the girl.

"That's what an agent has to be, strong and fit, not small and…weak. Passing out from over exerting themself." in a rare show of emotion, May tucked some lose hair behind Skye's ear.

Skye herself was shocked, just watching. She was sure this was the most Melinda had ever spoken to her.

"I want to be perfect." the hacker blew out a quivering breath, tears filling her eyes once more.

"There is no such thing as perfection. There's only how we perceive it. What I see here, is a girl, a woman, struggling to find herself. And you remind me of myself. You remind me of a certain Avenger I know too."

She sighed. "But Skye, you will find yourself. You don't have to be thin, you don't have to work yourself until you're sick. You just have to understand that becoming an agent takes time. It means dedication and hard work. But it also means days off, it means eating ice-cream and relaxing with a film. It means letting your family help you." and with that, the older agent stood, carefully wiping her face of emotions, but not before dropping a kiss to the startled woman's temple.

"Let us help."

Okay. so that was…a weird chapter to write. Sorry if you abhorred it, I kinda did but oh well. I blame sleep deprivation, I really wanted to get another chapter out there as soon as I could. Slightly dedicated to Unaligned fae queen who wanted a Skye and May mother/daughter moment. There will be more SkyeWard in the next chapter, sorry again, thank you for sticking with this! Probably OOC too, gosh I'm sorry. Reviews are love3


	5. 5

91 REVIEWS! I am blown away, wow. Okay so, I'll be doing a chapter today and then tomorrow. This chapter won't feature May and Coulson much but don't you worry, next chapter you're in for some wonderful family, fatherly moments. This chapter is basically some filler fluff before more angsty times. (Well…fluff to me, maybe not to you guys XD) Hope you enjoy!

Skye was left alone to have her shower, and she always had long hot showers when she was stressed, this was one hell of a stressful situation.

The interaction with May had been strange and all around awkward, but what the older agent had said seemed to stick with her.

You don't have to be thin, you don't have to work yourself until you're sick.

But she did, she had to be thinner because she was clumsy like this, she would never make a good agent.

She just had to be better, she had to.

So really, it came down to two choices.

One, she let herself believe, convinced herself to believe that May was right.

Or two, she started to hide even more.

Because she had no doubt that if she carried on, and stopped hiding it so well, the Bus would land and she'd be forced, kicking and screaming, into a hospital.

A knock on the door brought her from her thoughts, and she blinked water, hastily turning the shower off. "Yeah?"

"Skye, you alright? You've been in there a while and I-" Just needed to make sure you were alright, Grant's mind supplied the rest of that sentence. "Are you coming out?" he asked instead.

The hacker resisted the urge to roll her eyes, wrapping herself in a towel because she'd slept in her workout clothes and ew, gross.

With May going all motherly on her, she's not had time to pick up new clothes. "Just…don't look when I come out." she mumbled.

Ward frowned and stepped away from the door, "uh sure." he said, a little wary, even going as far as to turn away as he heard the door open.

He was immediately hit by a waft of lavender steam and he smiled to himself. Now that was definitely Skye all over.

Despite being trained to obey all commands, Grant couldn't help but look behind him when he heard her soft footfalls. He knew she'd be wearing a towel so he wasn't sure why she was so worried about him looking at her and-

Oh god.

How the hell had he not noticed how small she was? Her collarbones clearly defined, not to mention that he could literally snap her wrist with a flick of his pinky by the looks of it. And with her hair down her back and off her face and neck, he could see sharp, slanting cheekbones and features that looked so young it made his heart clench.

He quickly turned away, closing his eyes and not opening them until her heard her bunk door slide shut.

Anguished, he slumped against the wall, rubbing at his temple, pain temporarily blossoming.

What could he do?

Down in the lab, Fitz was experiencing similar anguish. He'd been working up the nerve to talk to Jemma for hours and hours, losing himself in his work to quell the increasing panic. Finally, he couldn't take it any longer.

"Hey, Jemma?" he asked, fiddling with some scraps of metal, making sure his hands had something to do. Otherwise he'd probably start biting his nails and that was an awful habit he'd always hated.

"Yes Fitz? do you need me to test the gun with you?" she asked, bent over a rat, tongue sticking out of her mouth slightly as she concentrated.

Fitz was worried about Skye, of course he was, the hacker was like…her sister. But he was also worried about another girl.

"You've never thought…you know…Skye." he mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck and wiping his forehead, smearing a bit of motor oil across his temple.

"Oh Fitz! Don't be silly." she sighed, finally pulling her eyes from her work. She started to giggle as she noticed the oil, going over and wiping at it with her finger. "No, Leo, really. I've never felt like that." she sighed, all traces of laughter slipping from her face. It wasn't like she had forgotten Skye but she'd pushed herself to work, needing the distraction. Skye didn't need the Englishwoman following her around or crowding her, and without her work, she most likely would have been pestering the hell out of her.

"Good because…you know, you're already perfect, Jem." Leo mumbled, flushing ever so slightly.

Then Jemma did smile again, leaning up on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "You're a sweetheart, Fitz." she said softly. "Thank you for worrying about me." she smiled softly up at him. Fitz, being the awkward Scotsman he was, nodded and shoved the bits of metal at her. "H…here, the scraps you needed."

He heard Jemma laughing as she walked back to her bench. He'd never get tired of hearing that.

When Skye was done, she opened the door, gesturing for Ward to come in.

She was dressed in sweatpants and a big shirt, hiding what he knew to be a decidedly childlike body underneath. It was deceptive, Skye was such a strong woman, it was…unthinkable really.

He sat on the edge of the bed, watching Skye before swallowing and shifting closer to her. "Skye…" he said quietly, brows furrowed.

"What's up buttercup?" she asked brightly. "You look like you're in pain." her finger poked the centre of his forehead, smoothing out the wrinkles.

She then rested her hands in her lap, sitting cross legged, back pressed to the wall.

"Pain? No. Are you?" he prodded, eyes scanning her figure, trying not to be too obtrusive. He reached for her hand and Skye's heart thudded in her ears. But Ward was just replacing the IV, muttering something about 'needing to make sure she wasn't dehydrated'.

The hacker watched him at he worked, methodical and precise, trying to cause her the least amount of pain possible.

"Ward, stop, I'm fine." she said softly, reaching to pat his hand in return. His hadn't left hers and it barely registered in his mind as Skye wrapped slim fingers around his palm.

She squeezed his hand gently. "Ward, you gotta talk to me. I know you want to…have a go at me, shout at me. I know you're angry." her voice had gradually got quieter until she was whispering.

Agent Ward was silent for a long moment, in which time Skye was already squirming nervously.

He pulled in a breath and looked up, gaze pained and open in a way she had never seen before. "Angry? Maybe just a little. More than anything, I'm concerned, I'm worried, Skye. This is not healthy, you don't need to go on like this. You've lost so much weight and it's a problem now, it's unhealthy and its making you sick."

Ward's stomach twisted as Skye smiled at 'You've lost so much weight'. As if she was happy, as if she was saying 'Really? I didn't think anyone had noticed.'

He pushed on.

"And I can't let it carry on. Not only is it severely damaging your health, its unprecedented. You don't need it." he said firmly, watching her gaze dropped lower and lower, as she shifted under his gaze, feeling exposed without her hair and her make-up.

"I think I've been compromised." he said so quietly, she wasn't sure she'd heard correctly.

Skye's head shot up, eyes widening. She'd heard those words once before, in a story Coulson had told her. About two of his favourite and best agents; Natasha Romanoff and Clint Barton. AKA, Black Widow and Hawkeye. AKA two of the MOST badass people to have ever lived.

About the battle of New York.

"Compromised?" she choked out. "Why?"

His hand came up to rest on her cheek, thumb stroking over the protruding bone.

"Because, if I go out on a mission, I'm going to be worrying. Worrying that I'll come home and you'll be gone. That you'd had a heart attack or…been so weak, you'd fallen and hit your head. Or that maybe you'd taken your own life because you thought you weren't good enough." the last sentence came out in a rush, and Grant clamped his lips shut after, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut. As if willing away the images.

It was the most emotional she'd ever seen him.

And she hated to be the reason for his distress.

"You see Skye, I think I…" he paused, blinking open to watch her.

Skye held her breath, biting down on her lower lip, eyes wide.

"I think I love you."

DUNDUNDUH

So was that fluffy enough? Sorry for crappy writing and OOC'ness. I hope you enjoyed it. A little rushed, sorry for any mistakes!

Shoutout to pinkbelle, who wanted a FitzSimmons moment where Fitz makes sure Jemma doesn't feel the same way as Skye. And to everyone who wanted some SkyeWard lovin'. :) Until next time guys, reviews are love! Hope you enjoyed-Sophie. 3


	6. 6

Okay guys. Next chapter. Probably boring and short, and not what you wanted at all. I'll explain why at the end. Here's for those who wanted Coulson and Skye lovin' as well as some protective May and awkward and chastised Grant. Aw. Enjoy.

Skye almost choked. "Excuse me? Did Mr tough guy just say the word love?" she stammered, her knuckles white from clutching too hard on his hands.

Ward had the good grace to look faintly embarrassed, "well I did say think." he muttered, glancing down.

A touch on his cheek forced him to look up. Skye's lips were pursed, her cheeks flushed.

"That's the first time I've ever heard those words. From anyone. Not any of my foster families, and I don't exactly have a good track record with men." she cringed. "So I don't care if you just think, thank you." she said softly, shaking her head and slowly pulling her hands from his, reclining back.

Grant hated himself for saying think, but he was not ready to jump in and say yeah, okay, I do love you. The mere thought of it set him on edge. But Skye looked so happy at just that, the he felt like he didn't have to say it.

"You're welcome." he muttered and cleared his throat. "Oh, um, Coulson wanted to see you in his office as soon as you were done." he stood fluidly, looking all around embarrassed.

He left without so much as a goodbye, leaving behind a very confused Skye.

"I love you too." she whispered after him before burying her face in her hands.

Grant was angry, furious with himself. Skye was sick, she was going through a lot and Ward had stuck the knife in and twisted. He'd surely just made things even worse than they had been. He shouldn't have said anything, and he definitely shouldn't have left her on her own.

He slammed his fist into the punching bag, hitting until a stern voice behind him cut across his thoughts.

"Ward." May said flatly, raising an eyebrow and simply staring at him until he moved away, gulping from a bottle of water.

"What is it? I sent Skye to Coulson's office like he wanted."

May continued to watch him, arms crossed over her chest. From what he'd picked up of her facial expressions, she was pissed. Very pissed.

Shit.

Okay, so someone would have to be VERY stupid to not be scared of Melinda May, and as badass as Ward liked to believe he was, the woman scared the living hell out of him. He thought he could kill someone with a flick of his wrist? This woman could probably cut his neck with the nail on her pinky finger.

"Oh yes, I know that. Do you want to know why Agent Ward? Because she came in crying. Now I'm just dying for you to tell me what the hell is going on, before I get angry." her voice was deceptively calm.

Ward started to unwrap his hands. No beating around the bush, really, May was like a hound; could smell the lies from miles away.

"I told Skye that I thought I loved her."

If May looked taken aback, she didn't show it, but there was definitely a dangerous glint in her eyes.

"Agent Ward, I'd like you to take into consideration right now how Skye is feeling and what she's going through. Did you never once think that saying 'you might' love her and then leaving might have an adverse effect? She's convinced you're only saying it so she won't, and I believe her exact words were 'take my own life like Grant thinks I will'. May's voice was low, the tiniest hitch in her breath telling him that she was distressed at the thought of Skye perhaps killing herself. However inadvertently.

"Now, I suggest you wait until Coulson's finished and go and tell her how you real feel, without screwing it up. Believe me, if you don't do it now, you'll regret it. Not to mention, upset Skye further." May brushed past him, as silent as ever. "Just remember what happened in Russia. That will be you if you upset her further. Understood?"

Grant barely suppressed a shudder at the memory, nodding. "Yes, of course." he said quietly, well and truly chastised. God, he felt like a teenager again, or what he imagined a teenager without an arsehole of an older brother to feel. Like he'd upset some parent's darling little girl. Oh Christ, May was getting all parental and motherly.

Jeesh.

In Coulson's office, Skye and Phil currently cradled cups of tea, Skye not really drinking, more just holding it for warmth.

They'd been sitting in somewhat comfortable silence for the last ten minutes, for the ten minutes prior, Skye had been unable to stop crying.

She'd apologised profusely but Coulson had bushed her concerns away with a soft 'Skye, there's no reason to be sorry. If anything, I'm the one who should be sorry.'

At first, she was sure she hadn't heard right, what on earth should Coulson have to apologise for?

"I'm the leader of this team." he'd said, voice wracked with guilt. "I should have noticed that something was wrong, that you weren't okay, if only I'd known and spoke to you, maybe you wouldn't feel like you do now."

And really, that had just fuelled her tears even more.

Now though, Coulson was silent, watching Skye, lips pursed. She wasn't drinking the tea, much to his dismay. He'd loaded the cup with sugar and milk, knowing she'd need the calories or something.

"Skye, drink up." he prodded, nodding to the cup and when Skye took a few absent sips, it was almost like a triumph for Phil.

She pulled a face at the taste but said nothing, knowing what he was trying to do. And so she kept drinking, forcing the disgustingly sweet drink down her throat, if only to make someone on this goddamn Bus a little happier.

Coulson cleared his throat, fiddling with his tie. Before his death, he'd never been one for heart to heart talks, and if he had had them, they'd been with one of two people.

Now, with five new people in his life and Natasha and Clint out of it, things had changed. His death had changed him.

"I know you're probably sick of hearing this, but what you're doing…you don't need to do it. I know one day you'll make an excellent agent. Why do you think I let you stay? You're the best hacker I know, even better than Tony Stark, and he seems to think he's God's gift." his voice was…well, it hinted at proud.

"But past that, you're determined and strong and brave and you will make one of the best agents SHIELD has ever seen. Without this, without the losing weight and making yourself ill."

Skye just bobbed her head at the appropriate times. "Look, AC, I…I'm not saying that I don't want to lose weight still, because I do. But you and the others have all seemed to get to me, get under my skin and into my mind. Trying to convince me to do the right thing. I'm trying, Phil, you have to believe me, I'm trying. I hate feeling sick and dizzy and faint, but it was the only solution I could think of to make myself better."

"You don't need to be any better. You're amazing, Skye, you just have to see that."

The hacker swallowed the last of her tea, holding her cup out to Coulson to see. She was trying, she was. All those calories and the amount of sugar, made Skye shudder a little. But she wasn't healthy.

Conflicted, she put the cup down and just took comfort in the warm silence. What needed to be said had been said and Skye was left feeling a little happier. When Phil picked up a book but didn't dismiss her, she moved to the small sofa in his office, curling up under a blanket and slowly falling asleep.

She didn't hear Phil's soft 'I'll make sure you're okay, daughter.'

Okay guys, not sure when I'll be able to upload next. Congrats to the 100th reviewer, you know who you are! If by any chance, this fic gets to 150, I'll be offering another one-shot. (Not that it will.)

Anyway, things aren't good for me right now and I'm having trouble handling stuff, also I got some real bad news today. So, sorry if you hate me or are angry but I cannot help it. I have to work all weekend and I feel like shit and I don't know when I'll upload next. I'll try for Saturday or Sunday. Sorry guys, thank you so much for sticking with me. Also, sorry for OOCness and mistakes. Keep sending little ideas if you want, next chapter will be more angsty, most likely, Until next time-Sophie.


	7. 7

Hey, I'm back. So, so sorry for taking so long. I'd tell you why I've not been here but I'm sure it would just sound like excuses. Anyways, here's the next chapter. Featuring some angsty sick!Skye. Fitz makes a bigger appearance in this chap too since I know I haven't done much Skye and Fitz lovin. Feel free to send me ideas for where this story should go. Hope you enjoy.

When Skye woke, Coulson was nowhere to be seen.

Mind you, the hacker didn't look for very long, her limbs weak and head spinning. She stumbled from Coulson's office and to the bathroom, hunching over the toilet, coughing and gasping. After only a few minutes, she was bringing up nothing, each retch sending pain rippling through her torso. She moaned, resting her forehead against the cool porcelain.

Oh Jesus, I feel awful.

It was Fitz who found her, curled forward, quivering weakly. He called for Jemma, accent thick with concern as he knelt beside the hacker, gently pulling her back and getting her to look up at him.

"There we are, hey, what's going on?" he asked softly, one hand cupping her cheek to stop her head drooping.

He hissed, eyes widening. "You're burning." he murmured, reaching the rest the back of his palm against her forehead. She was running a serious fever, shivering and nuzzling against his hand.

Jemma had been in the kitchen when she heard Leo yell. Her heart lurched and she dropped whatever she had been holding, rushing to the bathroom.

She knelt, replacing Fitz's hand with her own. "Oh my." she breathed. "Skye sweetheart? Can you hear me?" she asked gently, tilting her head to Fitz who nodded, slipping his arms under the hacker's body. He wasn't known for his strength, in fact he wasn't very strong at all, but even he managed to lift Skye. He held her gently, following Simmons down to the lab, Ward was working out when they came rushing in. He faltered, the bag knocking into his shoulder as he followed after them.

"What the hell happened?" Grant growled, trying to push past Jemma to get her. He remembered his earlier words about Skye taking her own life and of course, all of his concerns came rushing to the forefront. "Did she take something? Who the hell left her alone?"

He of course forgetting that he had left Skye alone in her bunk just yesterday.

Jemma's glare silenced him. "She's ill. Her immune system is compromised. She must have caught the flu from Coulson when he was sick last week."

"But," Fitz cut in, "her body really can't handle fighting it off on its own."

"So we're going to help her." Jemma finished, already setting work with the IV that seemed like it would become a permanent fixture.

"Ward, if you're just going to stand there, at least make yourself useful! Get me some damp towels, warm water, not cold." Simmons ordered, checking Skye's temperature. She hissed. "Jesus. Okay, that's not going to be good enough. You'll have to run a bath, again, warm water. Get Coulson or May, we're going to need their help."

Leo had disappeared, coming back a minute later with armfuls of blankets.

May followed after him, the senior agent's face calm. However, her hands shook slightly as she lifted the girl, just as easily as Fitz had. Jemma and May made their way to the bathroom. Ward had his hand in the water, turning at the sound of their footsteps. May gestured to the door. "Out."

Ward protested, crossing his arms. "I'm staying."

"Agent Ward, we have to bring Skye's temperature down, which means we have to get rid of her clothing." Jemma raised an eyebrow and it seemed to sink in for Ward, who stammered out a few words and let, closing the door behind him.

Jemma checked the water whilst May started to strip Skye with as much decency as was possible. For the sake of the hacker, they left her underwear on as they manoeuvred her until she was over the water.

"She's going to fight, the water's going to seem freezing to her, but it should help." Jemma swallowed, trying to avert her eyes from too defined ribs and hipbones that stuck out way more than they should. Jemma's eyes filled with tears for the umpteenth time.

May was more composed but how could she not react to that? It was different, seeing how sick she was with clothes on was one thing…this, there was no damn mistaking it. "Let's do this." she said, voice calm but wavering.

The two women gently lowered Skye into the water. They'd just got her lower half under when Skye began to scream, thrashing and kicking, nails sliding over their arms as they gently but firmly held her. "Skye, it's me, it's Jemma. You're ill but we're going to help! You just need to calm down and let us help." Jemma wasn't sure if Skye could even understand her words but something changed.

The hacker started crying, sobbing in earnest, mumbling frantic apologies that just made Simmons' tears spill over. May's eyes watered at every pained 'sorry, I'm so sorry, please.'

"Shhh," Jemma tried to soothe her, fingers combing through black hair and rubbing at her temples. "Relax, we've you. Me and May, you're sae and there's absolutely nothing to be sorry for."

The girl seemed to calm for a few minutes but then she started to struggle again, bucking and shouting, her eyes wide open, glazed over and panicked. "Please, I didn't mean to! It was a mistake, I'm sorry, I'm trying, don't hate me. Don't leave me. Not like them, oh god, please." she choked, tears rapidly falling.

The women lost their grip for a second, Skye slipping. Her head didn't reach the water, Melinda grabbing her around the waist and pulling her up before such a thing could happen.

"I think that's enough." she grunted, gently holding the sobbing girl, uncaring of her soaking wet clothes.

Jemma's hand came to rest on Skye's brow again and she sighed, pursing her lips. "It'll have to do. Here, you get her up and out." she rushed to the cupboard, bringing back a massive black towel, which she draped around Skye's shoulders. They managed to get the girl into some clean clothes and Melinda lifted her again.

Back at the lab, Jemma covered Skye with blankets, re-inserting the IV and placing a mask over her mouth and nose. She and May stepped back only then, surveying the rest of the room.

Ward, Fitz, Coulson. The whole team, eyes worried, faces sad.

Coulson's eyes flitted around the team. Ward, the agent sat, cradling her hand. Leo stood by his side, hands shoved in his pockets. Then to May, her arms crossed over her chest, standing close to Jemma, her expression stricken.

Lastly, he looked to Skye, pale and trembling and weak.

"Okay, I think it's time I called a team meeting."

There we are, sorry it's short, sorry for OOCness, sorry for mistakes, sorry for not being here. My, that's a lot of apologies. Next chapter should be up…Thursday? Hopefully. Please check out my other AoS fic 'Broken', the next chapter of that should hopefully be up tomorrow. Okay guys, thank you so so much, reviews are love!

Stay strong, I love you all.

Until next time-Sophie.


	8. 8

Coulson pulled up a chair, sitting and gesturing for the others to do the same. Once everyone had found an appropriate place to sit down, he gestured to Skye.

"Simmons, how long do you think she'll be out for?"

"A few hours at least, I'd say." the bio-chemist mumbled, instinctively shuffling a little closer to Fitz.

Phil nodded, smoothing out non-existent wrinkles in his suit. "Alright then. I think we should figure out where we're heading next. I need to know whether our team can help Skye sufficiently or whether we need to entertain the thought that I may need to contact SHIELD. Technically, she is not an agent but she is under my authority and I can get her into SHIELD's psychiatric centre if that becomes necessary. However, I do not want to have to do that, so if we can help her here, then that's what I want to do." he glanced around.

"Um quite, Sir. See, the thing is, I'm not sure how…bad it is yet. Over the past few days, she hasn't been eating at all but we haven't pushed it. Actually, we've all been…well, coddling her. She needs to eat, that's the bottom line. But more than that, we need to get her to see that it's okay to, that she has to, that it's not a bad thing. She sees it as something that's getting in the way of her becoming an agent." Simmons spoke up, wringing her hands.

"You want to know what I think?" Ward looked up from Skye. "I think Skye does need to go to the facility."

Immediately, FitzSimmons started to argue.

"No! What Skye needs is us, being with her!"

"There is no way in hell are you taking her there!"

Ward held up his hand, shaking his head. "No, not what I meant in the slightest. Not to stay there, to go, see some of the agents. If that's okay with them. It'll shake her up, shock her, maybe give her the kickstart she needs to see what she's doing to herself."

May spoke for the first time. "That is not a bad idea." she said quietly. "That might be exactly what she needs, as…cruel as it sounds."

FitzSimmons exchanged looks, silently taking each other's hands. "Is that such a good idea? What if she gets…jealous?" Jemma whispered, Fitz silently squeezing her hand.

Coulson nodded. "That's a valid point. But we have to do something. Leaving her to starve is not an option. We need to try this. Are we all agreed?"

Their replies were drowned out by a hoarse scream. All heads swivelled to the bed and Grant, the closest to Skye, stood, placing his hands on her shoulders. "Skye? Sweetheart, you're safe." he said quietly, shaking her gently as she thrashed under his hands. He received a punch for his efforts, sending him stumbling back. He winced and shook his head before going back to her side. Simmons rushed over, a prepped sedative in her hand. "Hold her as still as you can."

Ward kept his grip on her shoulders, Coulson taking her wrists, May and Leo her legs.

"Please! Oh god, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, don't…don't do it. You can't leave, you can't." Skye sobbed, bucking up, screams building in her throat.

Simmons slid the needle into her arm, stroking her hair and soothing her until her head lolled and she was still.

Everyone was silent for a few minutes. May was the first to leave, "I have to get back to the cockpit." she muttered.

Coulson went next, mumbling something about 'having work to do'.

Instead, the two senior agents meant in Coulson's office.

"It's time we told Skye the truth, Mel." Phil said softly, the both of them cradling glasses of whiskey. "Her nightmare, you know it was about her parents, it had to be, some of it at least. She deserves to know the truth."

Melinda shook her head. "Coulson, the girl's broken enough. She doesn't need to know about her mother on top of that."

"Mei." Phil sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Melinda softened, leaning forward. "Alright. When she's stronger, only then. Our girl's too weak right now."

Coulson chuckled, tucking a strand of black hair behind her ear. "Our girl. I like the sound of that. No matter what happens, she'll stay our girl."

Back in the lab, FitzSimmons busied themselves working on some sort of project, distracting themselves really.

Ward had an ice-pack pressed to his eye with one hand, his other hand holding Skye's. His thumb gently brushed over her palm. "I'll fix this, you'll see. I'll help you." he whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I love you. I mean that. I was stupid to say that maybe I did. I know it know. And I'm sorry." he murmured, closing his eyes. "I love you."

There we are. Basically some shippy moments for all three of the ships. Crappy and short chapter, I'm really sorry. I won't bother you all by telling you why it's late. I'm sorry. Thank you, love you all.


	9. 9

/I'm sorry. That's all I can say, I'm sorry, forgive me for being so shit. Warnings in this chapter for self-harm or references to at least. Also references to suicide/attempts. Obviously this is AU now, considering the whole Ward/Hydra thing. In this story, SHIELD was never taken over by Hydra, Ward is just the normal good/dorky/awkward Grant Ward we all love./

The next few days were spent in a tense silence for most of the team. Skye remained in the lab, rousing a few times to stumble to the bathroom or absently drink some soup. She was so out of it that she barely noticed the flavour, barely comprehended the calories and the fat. Jemma took this as a small victory.

The team spent their days busying themselves with workouts or projects. Coulson had called into HQ, informing the team there that they were all coming down with the flu and were going to stay in the air until they all recovered. He wasn't going to tell them about Skye until the girl herself was awake enough to have some input but he'd needed a reason for his team to be taken off missions for the time being.

During the night of the first day, Jemma had noticed something else. They'd all been so busy worrying about her weight and her health, Simmons only concentrating on her arms enough to slide a needle through her skin. But she'd taken the girls hand, brushing her fingers over her palm and then under the bright lights of the lab, she'd saw them. Faint white lines marring the otherwise clear skin, neat and precise, all lined up across her wrist and arm, stopping just short of the inside of her elbow.

Jemma had pretty much broken down, hands fluttering over the scars, tears on her cheeks. "Skye, god, why? I'm so sorry." she'd whispered, sobbing and pressing her face to the girls arm, eventually crying herself out and falling asleep. She'd awoken to a crick in her neck and Coulson watching her. He said nothing, handing her a tissue and silently waiting for her to talk. Then she'd blurted out about the scars and her own fears for Skye's life, admitting that Grant wasn't the only one concerned about Skye taking her own life. She'd started crying again and Fitz had wrapped his arms around her, moving her to the kitchen where they drank tea and spoke in the way that only they could. She told him how she should have noticed, they'd had to put Skye in a cold bath to bring her temperature down and the images of that were blurring with images that may or may not have been real. Had Skye had scars anywhere else? Had they been pink or red or new? Was she still hurting herself and Jemma hadn't noticed?

By the second night, everyone knew about the scars and whilst everyone was hit pretty hard by it, Ward was all but kicked into the ground by the revelation. The scars indicated that they'd been done during her youth, during her childhood and damn if anyone could relate, it was him. Sure, he'd been hit with his own demons, watching his little brother die. And maybe, just maybe his concerns about Skye committing suicide were just a little too close to home.

During the third day, Skye woke up fairly lucid for the first time and it was Ward who was sat beside her, reading The Hunger Games of all books. He'd actually been reading bits out to her, but flushed slightly, sliding the book shut as he noticed Skye watching him rather intently. "Robot." she greeted and he rolled his eyes, handing her a cup of water.

"Rookie." he said evenly, sitting back in his chair, gesturing for her to drink the whole glass, which she did after a minimum amount of grumbling.

"How long was I out?" she winced, dragging her fingers through her tangled hair, muttering about 'stupid knots' and 'this is what happens when I sleep too damn long'.

"A couple of days, you were pretty damn sick, Coulson was debating on whether or not to ground the plane and take you into SHIELD medical." he slid the book onto the table, moving instinctively to help her as she struggled to sit up. She said nothing for a few moments, obviously contemplating what she could possibly say. She was the best at making jokes in awkward or serious situations but her heart wasn't in it. They were used to the happy, carefree, jokey Skye and she just…couldn't be that anymore and it worried her immensely because wasn't that part of the reason they kept her around?

"Yeah, well I'm feeling fine now, really." she nodded, pulling her hair into a high ponytail, still trying to pull out the knots.

"Skye-" Grant started, biting the inside of his cheek. He needed to pick his next words very carefully because he hadn't spoken to her when she was awake for days, not after the massive fuck up of him saying he maybe loved her and running off like a giant tool-bag. And yeah, even the voice inside his head sounded like Skye. This was so bad.

"Okay, so about what I said, back in my bunk?" he swallowed and the look on her face told him that yes, she remembered that very clearly. "I've never said those words to anyone, it's not excuse for what I did, leaving you hanging like that, making you think it was just so you wouldn't…do something to yourself? No, that was a massive mistake, I…" he pulled in a decidedly shaky breath. "I've never had anyone to say that kind of thing too, okay? And it's hard. Really fucking hard." he shook his head.

Skye reached over, tentatively touching the back of his hand. "That's okay. You don't have to say it, I freaked out before, but that was about a whole lot of things, I was just upset in general. I don't want to force you into saying anything. I know how you feel and that's okay. I'm just glad that-" and then he was kissing her, hands gently cupping her cheeks, their lips touching for only a moment before he pulled back, one hand staying on her cheek, lightly brushing over her skin.

"And that," Skye grinned, the first smile he'd seen in a long time. "And that tells me all I needed to know."

/Okey doke, some fluff at the end there because my shipper heart has been broken by the last few episodes of AoS. Prepare for some dark stuff and angstttttt galore in the next chapter.


	10. 10

/Yeah so I'm feeling like shit and therefore, my characters will too. I'm super sorry for that but to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to do and this is better than the alternatives so enjoy. Warnings for self-harm and more suicide talk yay. Dark chapter so yeah be careful./

The next day, Skye was released from the lab and after a long time in the shower, she just wanted to curl up under the covers, still overly exhausted. She promised herself that tomorrow she would wake early and go to the gym, that she would not be too tired or too sad to move from the bed. She had to get up, because she had to lose the weight and it was with that thought that she drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

But when morning came, her mind-set was very different. It happened often enough; the brief moment during waking, when she wasn't thinking, just relaxing. And then the crushing, downright crippling depression washing over her in waves of black. She just wanted to sleep forever, even as tears slipped down her cheeks and her body shook with the hungry, aching, scratching need.

And just like that, she knew where the day was headed, she knew the turn she was taking and she was all too happy to slip into the darkness' grasp. She needed to work out, and in order to do that, she had to get out of bed. But she didn't want to and so something would have to be done about that. The only thing pulling her out from under her covers was perhaps the most destructive thing she'd ever done.

She picked up her Hula doll, smacking the bottom, the plastic breaking. Out fell multiple blades and she picked the cleanest, the newest, the sharpest before retreating to the bed, an old shirt cradled under her elbow.

She'd cut a lot as a kid, growing up with no one around and a deep pit in the bottom of her stomach. She'd used it as an outlet, sometimes even as a punishment but it had turned into an addiction, a hungry addiction that left her in long sleeved shirts and meant all money went on blades and bandages and wicked looking knives. When she'd left the system at eighteen, she'd stopped for ages, only Miles knew about the marks under her clothes and the even deeper marks on her soul. That's why she'd trusted him so and why, after being given the tracking bracelet, she'd turned to her old standby. A man's death was on her back and the man she'd trusted with everything turned out to be exactly the kind of person she hated. And so it had started again.

Skye was compulsive and reckless but the last thing she'd expected of herself was to slip into a damned eating disorder. But she supposed, she'd always seemed to trade on thing for another. The self-harm as a kid turned to smoking and drinking, turned to sex and gambling, turned to over working and not eating and back to self-harm. But she was too ensnared, too damned deep in the dark to realize that she didn't need to lose weight, that she didn't need to cut up her body to make herself feel better. All she could think as she dragged the knife over her thigh was oh god yes.

With the team watching her like hawks she knew she couldn't go back to her favourite cutting spot, cliché as it was always portrayed on TV. There was just something about the wrist, the biting pain, the clear skin, the blue veins so visible underneath. But she couldn't risk being found out, little did she know they'd seen some of her scars.

She stuck plasters over her thigh before wrapping a white bandage around them. She hid everything, cleaned up meticulously and left for the gym.

She'd been told that she was only allowed to work out for half an hour, morning and night. And she was required to eat meals three times a day, in the company of the whole team. And if she didn't eat, they were going to take her into a SHIELD facility and she was definitely not bloody going there,

So, she worked out for her allotted time, she drank the water she sipped the disgusting protein milkshake shit and she picked at her meals. Just biding her time. For something, for anything, for her mind to decide if she was going to fight or if it was time to just damn well give up. Her mind dark and twisted, Skye was leaning towards the latter option and it should have scared her how easy it was to contemplate suicide but she was just so damn tired. She was too tired to be scared.

The team however? they were terrified. Skye had barely spoken, had taken everything from the working out to the drinks to eating and even a specific bed time- for her body to heal, Simmons had said, at least nine hours a night.

All of them were at a loss, so worried about her health and weight that they hadn't mentioned the scars. They were just so happy to see her eating with them that they didn't want to break her further. They didn't know how good Skye was at hiding, how well she could hide away from the rest of the world. She knew that a bright smile would be too misleading, they'd know it was faked. But the quietness, the tiredness and the small half smiles instead of the crying and the cutting and the pictures of guns and nooses and knives? at least the team thought she was somewhat okay, they didn't realize that a little broken girl lived inside Skye.

But soon they would realize, because that little girl couldn't hold on much longer.

/I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I understand if people stop reading now. Um, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to go this far but um maybe I'll delete this chapter later on idk. bye. /


	11. 11

/Before I start, a special thank you to everyone who reviewed but super special thank you's to Sophi1023, TotalNerd376 and MBrabs1996 who all offered to talk. Thank you to everyone telling me to carry on and that they enjoyed it, it means a hell of a lot. Another dark chapter, sorry about that. Read carefully, if this stuff triggers you please don't read, though that would be awfully hypocritical of me to say that. Includes self-harm, dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts, ED thoughts and actions…God I'm rambling. I'm sorry. enjoy?/

The next few days ticked by at an agonisingly slow pace for Skye, the constant eyes on her, the constant questions, the team kind and concerned to the point of stifling. Skye wasn't heartless, she appreciated it a hell of a lot, really, she'd never had that before. But they were too prodding, too nosy almost, too close to finding her out.

Things had been bad, real fucking bad, her mind a god awful place. When she first joined the team, she'd played board games with Ward, sat with FitzSimmons in the lab, sat in the cockpit with May or read in Coulson's office, tinkered away on her laptop. Now with all the free time she had, she just spent it in her bunk. Doing sit ups, jumping or jogging on the spot. If not that, she was cutting or sleeping or scrolling aimlessly on her computer, her love for it all but gone. She slept a lot, sleep keeping away the thoughts or the hunger clawing at her insides. She had nightmares, sure, but even they were better than the nightmare of real life.

Things just weren't getting better and she was just falling falling falling, waiting to hit the bottom.

/

"Skye?" Grant called softly, knocking on her door for the hundredth time just that day. "It's time for lunch." he said quietly, resting his palm on the door for a minute before stepping back. He heard the sound of muffled cursing and something falling to the floor. He moved to open the door but Skye, as if reading his thoughts shouted out to him. "Don't come in, I knocked my lamp, I'm getting changed. Go start eating, I'll be out in a minute." she sounded breathless, her voice hoarse and tinged with a panic that sent Grant's heart racing a little.

"Sure you're okay in there?" he asked hesitantly, hearing something else fall.

"Jesus, Ward, I'm fine, just go bloody eat already!" came the harsh reply and Grant did leave, rubbing the back of his neck. Where the hell had their girl gone?

In Skye's bunk, the young hacker rushed to clean up, shoving her blades into her hula doll, picking up objects she'd knocked in her hurry. She cursed haphazardly wrapping a bandage around her leg, from her hip to her knee all but covered. She'd gotten a little carried away, losing time, the pain and the high and the blood making her dizzy with relief. Until Ward had ruined it.

She pulled on a pair of black sweatpants, just in case the bandages didn't hold up until she could clean up properly. She headed to the kitchen, following the pattern of the last five days. Pick up protein drink, take vitamin, move to the table. Have someone else put the food on her plate, sit down, start eating. Feel sick, get anxious, tap foot under table, get scolded trying to leave the table. Return to seat, claw at bandages under table, eat tiny pieces. Sit for half an hour until food is gone. Stand up, wash plate, head to bunk.

Jemma watched with sad eyes as Skye ate, the hackers own eyes staring straight ahead, like she wasn't even comprehending what she was doing. It was clear she didn't want to be there, she didn't want to be eating. "Skye, remember what I said about the tapping?" she asked softly, swallowing as Skye's gaze turned on her and her foot stilled. The girl said nothing, sinking further down in her seat like it would swallow her up.

Sometimes, Jemma hated being the designated 'doctor' on the Bus. They'd all read up on anorexia and such, Coulson had actually insisted. But Jemma was the one who had to tell Skye to stop tapping, because it would burn calories. She had to put the vitamins next to her protein drink, she had to make sure Skye had both. She had to put the food on the girls plate so she knew she was eating enough. She had to check whatever anyone cooked, making sure it was fairly high in calories. She had to treat her friend like an invalid, like she couldn't do anything herself.

She had to watch as Skye moved further away from them, from her.

When Skye left for her room again, Simmons slumped forward in her seat, picking idly at her food with a fork. "This isn't working." she said quietly, gratefully accepting the gentle hand on her back. She glanced sideways at Fitz, the engineer nodded silently.

"Then what do we do?" Coulson asked, as if she knew the answer to everything.

Simmons shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. "Sir, I don't know what to do, I wish I did because she is hurting and I-" she choked back a sob, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I don't know." she said weakly. "I'm sorry."

Melinda had been silent throughout the meal and the discussion. She could smell something and she couldn't put her finger on it. She glanced over the table at Ward. "You smell that?" she asked and watched as he wrinkled his nose a little. "Yeah, smells like metal. Maybe Fitz has been…" he trailed off and lurched to his feet, May just a second in front of him. "Blood." she supplied, kneeling by Skye's chair, fingers touching the leg and seat. "Dammit." she spat, pushing herself up and moving intently to Skye's bunk. "Skye, open up, we have to talk. If you don't come out, I'm coming in." she said firmly.

She heard nothing and her heart started to race as she tried to open the door. "Get me something to break the damn lock!" she shouted behind her, knocking hard on the door. "Dammit, Skye, open the door!" she growled, grabbing the item Ward threw, not bothering to question where the hell it had come from. She slammed down on the panel, wondering now why the hell they'd even decided to let the kids choose their own bloody passcodes.

May shoved the door open, the smell of blood hitting her instantly. She faintly heard someone being sick behind her but that didn't matter, she did.

"Skye." she moved to the bed, turning the girl over, feeling dizzy as blood covered her hand. She glanced at her surroundings.

The bed, the floor, the goddamn knife dangling from Skye's fingertips.

More importantly, Skye wasn't moving.


	12. 12

May was moving instantly, arms sliding under the girls body, lifting her quickly. She ran for the lab, watching numbly as Coulson and Ward shoved items out of the way so she could lay Skye down. Jemma shoved her way past the boys, fingers moving to her neck, her face set in grim determination. Skye was wearing a black SHIELD issue sweatshirt and Jemma snapped at somebody to sit the girl up so she could slide it gently over her head.

"Jesus Christ." she heard behind her and Jemma got a good luck at Skye's arms and holy hell, she thought she might be sick herself, nevermind Fitz.

Jemma grabbed a towel, wiping down as much as she could, grimacing and biting her lip. "Some are deep, one's hit a vein." she wrapped the towel around that particular one, stepping sideways, getting Grant to hold said arm in the air.

"Skye?" the biochemist leaned forward, tapping her face, the other cradling her cheek. "Sweetheart, can you hear me?" she asked, peeling back an eyelid. She frowned, glancing at the towel rapidly collecting blood.

"May, I need you to pilot the plane and get us to a med facility, something's not right." she murmured, trying to rouse Skye, pinching her hand and gently pulling her hair. She was bleeding badly but by this point, the girl should be semi-conscious and she should not be that pale yet.

"I can't…something's wrong. I can't…put my finger on it." she moved as Ward leaned over, his free hand brushing Skye's face and checking her eyes too.

He froze suddenly. "Fitz, Coulson, search her room. Find any damn pill bottle you can." he snapped and Jemma tried to hold back tears. Fuck. Oh god, she'd bloody taken something, of course.

Simmons checked Skye's pulse and was alarmed to find it considerably weaker than before. She made her decision, getting Grant to help sit the girl up, braced with his hand. "Dammit, Skye." she muttered, grimacing and opening her jaw, unceremoniously shoving two fingers down her throat. Skye seemed to come to slightly, gasping and choking, throwing up painfully into a large plastic bowl.

"That's it sweetheart, let it out, breathe, it's okay." she whispered and when Skye had stopped, she cursed and apologised numerous times before making the girl sick again, holding her as her body quaked and heaved.

She helped Skye get a few sips of water down, laying her back and on her side, in case she was sick again. Jemma was pretty sure she had helped the hacker get most of what she'd taken up, the rest was likely to have been already have been absorbed.

Coulson and Fitz returned, a bottle of sleeping pills in one man's hands, heavy dosage painkillers in another.

May returned, informing them they'd be touching down in about half an hour, but Jemma was fairly certain she could keep Skye stable until then. "Okay, I need blood and I need it now."

"Agent Coulson and Fitz are a match." she added, raising an eyebrow. "Anytime boys, a decision would be nice."

Coulson pulled off his jacket and rolled up his sleeve, sitting down beside the table Skye was laying on. Jemma made quick work of setting up the transfusion, all but shoving a bottle of Gatorade under Coulson's nose. "If you get too dizzy, tell me and Fitz will step in."

Leo nodded. "Y…Yeah sure." he said bravely, his face already alarmingly pale.

Five minutes passed, then ten, then eleven, then twelve…and so on.

No one talked much, not to each other unless it was to ask Jemma if Skye was okay or to ask Coulson if they needed to switch.

Jemma was getting incredibly antsy, chewing on her thumbnail, watching the soft rise and fall of Skye's chest. She had no idea what damage Skye had done with the pills and she was still losing blood, Coulson's blood moving into her body only to drip out of her wrist.

Phil was looking decidedly worse for wear, his cheek pillowed on his hand, eyes closed. But he refused to switch with Fitz, knowing of the boys fear of needles and about any medical procedure at all.

May stood behind Coulson, hands on his shoulders, rubbing up and down his neck gently in an attempt to soothe him. And no one said anything about the rare show of affection because Fitz was close to Jemma and Grant looked like he was in pain, his eyes red from the effort of not crying.

Melinda left five minutes later to land the plane and then everything passed by in a rush.

The doctors took Skye, talking about shock and blood loss and potential heart failure and stomach pumps.

They all sank into seats in one of the private waiting rooms, the silence broken when Phil started shaking.

Melinda sat on the arm of a chair, Phil in front of her. The woman's fingers moved to measure his pulse, sighing softly. "Dammit, Phil, you should have said something."

Jemma knelt, doing her own check. "Fast pulse, pale, dizziness, lethargy, nausea. Okay, we're getting you set up in a bed and to be quite honest, Sir, I don't care what you say."

Phil simply raised an eyebrow and Melinda coerced the man into a bed, Jemma getting the necessary equipment to set up a bag of blood and warmed saline for her boss.

She finally sank down in the private room, Fitz winding an arm around her waist, her head slipping down onto his shoulder.

In Coulson's hospital room, Phil dozed on and off, Melinda a constant at his side, stroking his forehead.

Ward sat with FitzSimmons, but he was alone, left with images of a girl with a bright smile and a beautiful laugh.

He'd never felt so lost.


	13. 13

/Hey…so, an update and a small chapter, I'm sorry. Um so, I'm on medication, trying out my second antidepressant, am still on what was supposed to be a short term anxiety pill, and am starting therapy soon. I've felt like shit, basically, every single day. I suffer from de-personalization and the meds really have not been helping with that but needs must. I'm living with my sister instead of my mom, for reasons I'm not gonna explain and she's taken every single blade or pill off me. (Seriously, she's taken my earrings.) As a result, I haven't self-harmed since the night before the overdose. So…that's something, I suppose. I wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone, everyone reading, everyone putting up with me, everyone following and favouriting and especially to those commenting. You have no idea how much something like that can help me. Thank you so much for sticking by me. All of the reviews were to say how no one was angry or upset with me and I should take my time and I just cried, it was so sweet. So, I'm sorry for it being so long, I bet you're bored of this by now, huh?

Anyways, how good was the season finale?! I cried my eyes out. All my ships broke my heart ugh Ward why. Okay, so a small chapter coming up, I'm sorry. But literally, I am SO triggered by anything, even the word cut seriously, so I'm trying to steer away from triggers. But I owe you all a chapter. Sorry for shittiness and OOCness. Thank you so much my lovlies.- Sophie./

/

Hour, after hour, after hour ticked by at an agonisingly slow pace.

In Coulson's room, their leader slept restlessly, tossing and turning like a frightened child. Melinda was a constant at his side, shushing him and smoothing back his hair. She looked exhausted, blood staining her clothes because she refused to leave Phil on his own.

Fitz and Simmons were together, because where else would they be? the latter was curled up small, her head resting on Leo's lap as he carded his fingers through her hair. She had cried herself to sleep but seemed to be resting peacefully enough. Leo dozed lightly, ready to wake at a seconds notice.

Ward was alone. He'd gone to the bathroom hours ago and hadn't left, scrubbing his hands free of blood until they were red raw. He'd smashed the mirror too, bloodying and bruising his knuckles. He'd tried to compose himself, but his eyes were red, his face pale and his hair a mess. His shirt was still dotted with blood and his hands were trembling finely.

He finally gathered himself enough to leave the bathroom, only to walk straight into a doctor, running off towards the sound of a long continuous beep. Out of instinct, Grant followed, chanting 'no, no, no' over and over in his head. He reached the room to see it wasn't his girl laying on the bed, not breathing and he quickly backed up, legs shaking so hard they threatened to buckle underneath him.

He slid down a wall, head in his hands, no tears coming.

"Grant Ward? Sir? Are you okay? I'm Skye's surgeon." the last part had Grant moving to his feet so quickly his vision blurred for a few seconds.

"I'm Doctor Harper." the man began slowly, looking as though he wanted to reach out and steady Grant but was afraid of the repercussions. Hey, Ward had a reputation around SHIELD.

"Skye?" was the only word Grant could form and spit out, his eyes wide and wild. If his brother could see him now…

"Stable. We fixed the damage to her arms, we won't know until she wakes up if there was any nerve damage. Luckily, your friend managed to purge Skye of most of the medications she took. It was too late to stop it completely, but she most certainly would have died if you'd waited to get here. She will be sick, feel sick a lot. She'll experience cramps and stomach problems but given her…excuse me, given her state..."

"State?!" Ward growled.

"Given her eating disorder," the doctor replied calmly, "the effects may be worse. But she will live, she's sleeping. You can go see her when she's settled in the ICU. And Sir, you have to understand that we had to strap her down for her own safety." he nodded and walked quickly away.

Ward was frozen for a few seconds. She was okay. Alive. He could still help her get better.

By the time he was able to move, the rest of the team, even Phil, was gathered around him, the doctor having made his rounds.

"Grant?"

The man turned around in a daze, black dots dancing across his vision. He must have looked like shit because someone was manhandling him into a chair, somebody was talking softly and another was gasping loudly.

Oh…that was him, how embarrassing.

He was only half aware of his surroundings, feeling like he was in a dream, like he wasn't himself. Grant was gasping for air, Jemma's hand on the back of his neck, pushing his head between his knees.

Coulson had a hand on his shoulder, his voice commanding but soft. "Agent Ward, listen to me, you have to breathe. You know this is just a panic attack, it's going to be okay, it's going to subside. You have to breathe."

Voices talked over his head. "Sir, I don't think he's just having a panic attack." Jemma murmured, gesturing for Leo to go fetch her a blanket.

"Ward? Grant, can you look up at me, nice and easy, just for a second." Jemma said softy, tilting his head up.

"He's in shock." she addressed the group, gently stroking the nape of Ward's neck.

Coulson shifted for a moment before swallowing and sighing. "Agent Ward suffers from anxiety, he assured me it didn't affect his work and as long as he took his medication, it was under control. He didn't want me to tell anyone."

Jemma nodded. "Right. I could really do with you help…Shit, Ward?!" she struggled to keep a hold of him as he abruptly slumped forward, May kneeling and catching his shoulders just in time for him to avoid hitting his head on the floor.

"Ward?" Jemma said softly, pushing him back, his head just lolling with the movement. "Crap." she hissed and behind her she vaguely heard Leo say 'this day is literally never going to end.'

She agreed, they were in for a long night.

/So in my story, Ward has anxiety because I like making my characters as fucked up as me. I'm very triggered right now, not because of writing this, but I've been wanting to self-harm ALL day and I really don't know what I'm going to do or if I'll do anything. My medication is making me sleepy so I think I'll post this and go to bed. I don't know when the next update will be, I'm sorry. Thank you again for sticking with me. Lots and lots of love and thank you's. –Sophie./


	14. 14

/Hey...uh, I don't have any excuses, just numerous apologies. It's been a looong time since I last updated, I'm sorry. Really freaking sorry. I don't want to bore you or sound like I'm complaining but for those of you who want an update, here it is. Basically...I ended up on a psych ward. I've relapsed multiple times. Desperately want to kill myself. I've been taking pills sometimes when I don't need them, not eating really, using anything possible to self harm. I've had to quit sixth form, (for anyone not in England, it's my last year. So senior year for Americans.) Anyway, I've had to leave because I can't handle it. I've had a med increase, still on the short term anxiety pill, hopefully increasing the anti-depressant more and starting a new med. So...wish me luck, guys? Because it's very hard not to just...give up like I want to./

Grant Ward did not like being seen as weak so when his hearing returned, he was incredibly displeased. He was half in the chair, slumped forward. Someone was talking to him, someone was holding him up and someone was...stroking his hair?

"Grant?" a soft voice came from somewhere above him and he slowly opened his eyes, cringing at the harshness of the light.

"I'm fine." Ward said quietly, immediately recognising his surroundings. It was something he had to handle as an agent. Abduction, infiltration. If he'd somehow been taken, drugged or knocked unconscious, he would have to find out where he was relatively quickly. He could smell the antiseptic, hear the sound of machines, see the white walls, white floors. Hospital.

"Skye." he muttered, lifting his head and looking around at the faces in front of him. Oh shit.

"I'm fine." he said again, forcing his head up and sitting up straight.

"Agent Ward." Phil said firmly, crouching to get into his line of sight. "They know. And it's fine, agent. It's all fine. Skye's in the ICU, you can see her."

"After the doctors run tests." Jemma chipped in.

"Standard protocol, you collapsed." Fitz nodded.

"I have to see Skye." he frowned, shaking his head. "I have to...I shouldn't...Coulson she almost died. Again. I could have stopped this, not like when she Quinn shot her. I could have spoken to her, hell, I could have demanded we bring her in to hospital, I'm her SO." and his voice cracked.

The rest of the team couldn't really believe what was going on. To Jemma, it was like a dream. A nightmare. Skye had tried to kill herself. And nearly succeeded. Ward had had a panic attack and then collapsed. Her boss was...not himself. His suit was ruined, bloody. May was...well, she looked concerned, worried. Fitz was by her side, but he was closer than usual. Normally too afraid to really touch her, he had his hand on the small of her back.

"Jemma, can the doctors wait a few minutes? I think it would be beneficial for Ward to see Skye. I don't quite think some of us have accepted what really happened."

Simmons sighed and nodded. "I'll stall them for a few minutes, but they really are quite insistent." she slid her hand into Fitz's. "I think they've submitted us all for physicial and psych evals." she pulled a face, glancing down at Ward. "They're saying that if Skye is going to become an agent...Sir, then she'll be submitted for the same tests. By SHIELD medics."

"So that means Skye's officially becoming an agent." Leo offered a small smile.

Coulson rubbed his temple and nodded. "Okay then." he said simply. "FitzSimmons, go distract the doctors. May, report for your evals and Ward with me."

Phil offered his hand out to Grant, silent, offering a silent question. When he accepted his hand, the older man helped him up.

"Let's go see our girl."

/So this chapter was bad. Really bad. I'm sorry. Sorry it was so short and well...shit. I'll try and make the next one better. Not sure when I'll upload next. Thank you, guys, you're way too lovely. You're so nice and kind to me. Your support...I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

-Sophie./


	15. 15

/I can't begin to thank you guys. I...god, every single comment, like, favourite, PM, everything. It meant so much to me. I did cry reading them and I know that you guys honestly did help me and stop me from doing something. Just...thank you so much. I hope you guys have an amazing Christmas and New Year, you deserve it so much. Thank you again, I seriously love you guys./

Ward pushed the door open, his stomach twisting and the walls closing in on him as he looked at the woman...girl on the bed. She looked absolutely tiny, swathed in blankets, tubes in her arms.

Guilt hit him like a ton of bricks and rushed to the trash can in the corner of the room, hovering over it because he thought he might actually be sick.

He should have done something, should have stopped her. Talked to her. Told her about his own struggles, about his dark past and his problems with not only anxiety, but depression.

It was on him.

Not only was he her SO, he was her friend and well...maybe he wanted to be a little more than that.

"Grant, I know you're beating yourself up over there, I can literally hear you thinking. Come here." Skye said quietly, her voice hoarse.

She looked exhausted, dark circles accentuated by the sheer paleness of her face, her cheekbones prominent.

But she sounded so much like the 'old' Skye, his heart hurt a little.

He did go over, sitting down in the chair. He watched her, taking in every little thing. The curl of her hair around her forehead, the dryness of her lips, the pain in her eyes.

The bandages covering each arm.

"Grant. Ward?" Skye muttered, wincing as she tried to sit up. He finally moved then, pushing her gently back. "Don't move."

He glanced to the bedside table and realized that there was a little pitcher of water there. He poured it but stopped when he picked it up. She hadn't realized yet that she..well, tied to the bed.

"Here, I'll do it, so you don't hurt your arms." he said quietly, lifting the cup to her mouth.

Skye said nothing, just lowered her gaze and drank.

"Slowly, you don't want to be sick." he murmured, placing the cup back down.

It was the look on her face that made him take her hand, leaning his elbows on the side of the bed, her hand cradled between his own.

Skye then seemed to notice that he was at an awkward angle and he could almost hear the fear coming off of her.

"It's okay. Skye, Skye it's okay. They were just a precaution, I'll take them off."

She'd been tortured once, right in front of him. Ever since, she;d been terrified of being strapped down or being in any tight spaces. She didn't like wearing jewellery or belts unless she had to.

Ward gently removed the straps from her arms and ankles, swallowing back the lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry Skye." he said quietly, his brows furrowed. "I'm so sorry." his voice cracked and he shut up before anything more than that could happen.

"Sorry?" the hacker murmured, tired and confused. "Why? This was my decision, Grant. To go out my way. My time. It all hurts, it's too much, okay? I need it to stop and I-"

"Skye." his voice broke. "Skye stop, please. Let me help. I will...do anything I can to help please. I love you."

/The torture part is referring to a previous fanfic I wrote called Broken. This is...depressing for Christmas but because of that, I gathered up my energy and wrote a mushy, slightly cracky Christmas fic. It's called AoS Family Christmas. The next chapter will be put up tomorrow. Please go read! Thank you- Sophie xxxx/


	16. 16

/Greetings, fellow fanficcers. It's been a while, I know and I can only apologize but I'm here, I'm alive and I've got a new chapter for you guys. My personal update will be at the end of the chapter, for those who want to know. On with the story. Ps...only two more episodes left I'M UNABLE TO CAN./

There was silence for a few seconds and then Skye started to cry. Ward was horrified and he immediately started to backtrack. "Oh God, I'm sorry-" he pushed himself away from her, one hand in his hair, his breathing quickening again. "I'm sorry, I didn't think..I'm sorry," Fucking idiot. God dammit, Grant, talk about a fuck up. Could you be any stupider?

"Ward, woah, Grant. Hey! Grant, calm down, It's okay!"

"Okay? You're crying and I just-"

"Ward, stop!"

The older agent swallowed and stood stock still, turning his gaze to Skye.

"I don't know why that just happened, but Grant, you know, I just failed to kill myself and woke up and...then I hear that and I'm just feeling so much." she mumbled. "I'm not crying because of you." her eyes were soft and worried. She'd seen Grant spiral downwards after The Beserker Staff and though he'd insisted he'd not had a panic attack, Skye more than knew the signs. He had panicked, and whether it had been full blown or not, he had had an attack.

But Skye had never seen this desperate for breath and it terrified her.

Ward stiffened. What the hell was he playing at? Skye, focus on Skye, you have to be fine for her, have to act fine.

"Sorry..I was worried I'd upset you further." he said quietly, once again the calm and collected Agent Ward.

"I should let you sleep, but I meant what I said Skye. Just remember that. And I...well, I will always be here for you. If you want me to leave you alone, want me to stay with you, want me to talk or say nothing, hold your hand or not touch you...I'll do it." he said quietly, earnestly. "I'll be back, get some rest." he bent down and tentatively pressed a kiss to her hair. "Any preferences on who you wanna see next?"

"Melinda." she said softly, tiredly, her eyelids drooping slightly.

Ward nodded and smiled, backing up out of the room and into the coridoor. "May, she wants to see you." he turned on his heels and walked away from the group, hands sliding into his hair. He stood outside the doors, wanting to run but needing to stay.

He obviously hadn't hidden it as well as he thought because Coulson stepped out beside him, offering him a bottle of water.

"Agent Ward."

The specialist said nothing, uncapping his bottle and taking a swig.

"Okay, well since you aren't in the mood for talking I'll be blunt. I need to know if I need to take you off duty or book you into the hospital. And I don't want or need lies because you've seen how Skye is."

"I'm not going to kill myself. I've had a gun on me for the last few days. If I wanted to, I would have." he said flatly.

"Well, I've booked you a psych appointment with Andrew as well as the doctor here. I'm not asking you to talk to me, but talk to someone because I don't want to walk into a room one day and find you dead by your own hand, prefereably not at all." he said gruffly and turned back the way he had come.

Grant was being honest, he was not in danger of killing himself. Did he sometimes think about it? Yes. But thinking about it and planning it were two completely different things, he'd learnt.

Ward sighed and took in a breath of cold air, leaning back against the wall.

Seeing Skye in that bed...well, it had made him realize that he'd never faced his own demons. How could he expect Skye to get help if he wasn't accepting help himself?

He hated talking to people, he hated people knowing his past, he hated seeming weak. That was why his incident in the hall had been more than mortifying. For his team to see that...the team he had to protect and keep together?

He sighed and rubbed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose and forcing back the images, the memories.

A noose lingered in his minds eyes and it wouldn't leave no matter how hard he tried to push it away.

With Skye as she was and Ward starting to crumble, he knew they were in for one hell of a bad ride.

/Hey! So, I'm here. I got out of hospital and I have a few updates- I haven't cut myself per se since the hospital, I have done things but for me to have not used a blade is a BIG thing for me. I'm been crazy suicidal these past few weeks and I honestly think I'd be safer in hospital again but hey. Some boring updates- I've been using a rubber band and incense, and it's helping me a little. The urges are definitely there, I still want to self harm and kill myself. I#m super anxious but...you know, I'm alive aren't I? So..I guess that's something. I want to thank you all for your messages and comments, it means so much to me. And to know that you guys think I'm good at something is amazing because I really just don't think I'm good at anything. Oh hey, I'm trying to get into acting, I've done a few little things and I hope to carry on. Wish me luck! I'll try to update soon and uh...not kill myself. Bye guys. Sophie xx/


	17. 17

So for everyone who thought things might be getting better yeah no. Sorry. Serious triggers coming up./

Ward had never cut himself before. He supposed he had in some way self-harmed before be it attacking a wall and smashing his knuckles open or punching something until his body was bruised. He'd also never tried to kill himself. But there was a fine line between wanting to die and not caring if you did. He would rush in without thinking, he'd be the guy to go and diffuse a bomb with little chance of success. He'd run into a firefight with no concern for himself. But it wasn't just that, it was small things like not looking when he crossed a road and not caring who he got into fights with, That wasn't suicide, Grant told himself, that was just...not particularly trying to live.

He would rush in without thinking and the only time he made sure to keep himself alive was when someone else was at risk. Jumping out the plane after Jemma, frantically trying to get free so he could get Skye help when they were kidnapped, protecting Fitz in Belarus.

So no, he hadn't cut himself or tried to kill himself. Well soon it would be only suicide he hadn't attempted. Grant knew pain, he was basically an expert so he understood the way pain made someone feel so he understood it. He really did, but that made it worse because...he couldn't see any reason not too. He wasn't cutting to kill himself so what would it matter? He was smart, he wouldn't catch anything. Like he'd told Coulson, he'd has gun on him for the past few days and he hadn't done anything.

He'd been gone for little over an hour, skipping his mandatory evals in favour of sitting in the bathroom on his own. The hour had flew by and all he could think about was what he was about to do. He'd spent the time listening to his angel and demon, deciding that in the end, what did he have to lose?

He hadn't felt this low in a long time and to be honest, he didn't see the point in stopping himself. He knew he was being a hypocrite but it was so easy to tell somebody not to do something and then not take your own advice.

You don't need to drink pain away.

You don't have to starve yourself.

You don't have to work out so much.

You don't have to self-harm.

You don't have to hate yourself.

And he did, hate himself, more than anything. And that made his mind up.

Ward slid his knife from out his pant leg, holding it up to his face. He marvelled at how easy it was for someone to take their own life. He had his gun, one shot and...that would be it. One slash across his throat. One little tumble from the roof. One accidental explosion. One bottle of poisoned whiskey.

It would be so easy.

He didn't even recognize the man he'd appeared to be just a week ago, telling Skye she could do it, could achieve anything, telling her she would be happy.

Hypocrite, fucking pathetic piece of dirt, dammit they'd be better off without you.

The steel bit into his flesh, nothing happening for a moment before he saw the skin separate, saw white underneath before the blood beaded up and spilled over down his skin.

The high hit him like a freight train and he knew that he'd just fallen into something dangerous.

Ward did it again, getting braver and deeper as he went along. He knew that he could just stitch up himself later, that would be more pain anyway, he wouldn't use any numbing shit, no it'd be like even more cutting.

Sometimes even super spies slip up because he didn't hear the footsteps behind him until it was too late. He shoved his sleeve down, tucking the knife into it.

"You missed your evaluation." A voice said quietly behind him and he turned, realizing he'd done it, he'd managed to hide everything before they'd saw.

"And I'm sure you and May are here to ensure I turn up." Grant sighed, looking between the 'parents'.

"Ward, I asked you outside if there was something we needed to talk about." Phil stepped forward. "If we needed to discuss hospitalisation. You told me no."

"And I meant it, I'm fine." he shrugged and pushed past them and out the door.

Within seconds of leaving the room Melinda was somehow in front of, her arms crossed over her chest.

"We're discussing it. Now, you don't get a choice. This is serious, Ward." She frowned. "We don't...look the six of us, that's the only family most of us have. I'm not...we're not stepping by and watching you self destruct. You need to-" She stopped, tilting her head.

Her eyes widened and she lurched forward, grabbing his hand and pulling his sleeve up. "Jesus-" She muttered.

Coulson approached from behind, catching sight of the blood. "You didn't. Agent Ward, tell me you didn't."

"I...I was just...I wasn't trying to kill myself, I-"

"Okay, okay, I need you to hand me your weapons, everything you've got on you, guns, knives, string." Phil's voice shook a little and Ward mechanically stripped himself of everything, May and Coulson both staring at the bloodied knife with a kind of horror.

"Ward? Alright, you need a doctor, we'll take you to a doctor." Melinda said quietly, looking at Phil over Grant's back.

They were in so much trouble.

/haha down down down dowwwwwn.


	18. 18

Hey guys. Long story short: not dead. My update on me and why I haven't uploaded in so long will be at the end so you guys can easily skip it if you want. Who's excited for season 4 next month? I'm still not over Lincoln being dead. And I miss Bobbi and Hunter so much :(( oh! Also, since I last updated I met Iain and Nick! I met them at comic con and gave Nick a letter. Then whilst I was asking a question at the panel he told me to go and write down my address for him! He was so so sweet and when I had my photo with him, he was just lovely to me. And then a month later, I got a letter and a book from him in the post :3 also, I gave Iain a stuffed monkey. Okay anyway, here's the next chapter.

/

Grant didn't really struggle, though he easily could have done. He didn't really see the point; May and Coulson had found out anyway, it was a matter of time before the rest of the team knew and there was no point in making a break for it.

May guided him into an empty room whilst Phil went off to find a doctor. The woman was silent for a moment but eventually she couldn't hold her tongue any more.

"What are you doing, Agent Ward? What is this? Some sort of...attempt to understand Skye or do you really feel this...low?" Her voice wavered slightly, though her tone was pretty harsh.

Wars barely noticed the crack in Melinda's voice, turning his head to face her.

"Seeing Skye like that brought some things to the forefront that I tried very hard to push down. For years." He shrugged.

"And this?" He lifted his arm. "I liked it. When I did it, I finally felt relief."

May felt a little sick, opening her mouth to reply when the door opened and Phil walked in with a tall, stunningly gorgeous blonde. It took her a moment but then a small smile appeared on her face.

"Bobbi?" She chuckled. "What the hell are you doing working at medical?"

Bobbi More stepped into the room, smiling at her old friend. "I got injured," She gestured down to her knee. "They won't let me on missions until I've completed my rehab and I didn't want to sit around doing nothing in the mean time." She didn't react at all to War's arms, only pulling a chair towards the bed and taking his left arm.

Melinda glanced over at Phil, silently asking if this was the right decision. Coulson only nodded his head and grabbed his own chair.

"Andrew is on his way." He announced, more to Melinda than anyone else. May didn't have the energy to be put out about it, in face she was glad. Andrew was the best psychiatrist she knew and with his Intel on shield, he could ask questions no other psychiatrist would.

Grant seemed to rouse from the stupor he'd been in, watching Bobbi's deft fingers sewing his skin back together.

"There's no nerve damage. It'll be painful as the skin and tissue knits itself back together but I think after a gatorade, you'll be fine. Physically." She added as an almost afterthought.

The agent just nodded and continued to stare down at the floor, not even flinching as the needle went in and out of his skin. Melinda cast a worried glance over to Phil, one that Bobbing caught. She raised an eyebrow and finished stitching the cuts. She silently stuck some sterile strips on the other cuts, cleaning his skin and wrapping a large bandage around his arms. He'd cut from his wrist to his elbow so it would be a bit awkward but she had no doubt Ward didn't care.

The blonde stood, "May I see you two outside for a moment?" She asked carefully. Just as they both started to protest about leaving Ward alone, Bobbi shook her head.

"I'll get Hunter to watch him." She opened the door and waited for the other two agents to leave behind her. Hunter popped his head around the corner, an easy grin on his face, his hands shoved in his jean pockets.

"Everything alright, love?" He smirked, leaning in to kiss her.

Bobbi rolled her eyes and pulled asked way, leaving Hunter moping like asked way little puppy.

"Go in there and watch Agent Ward, don't let him touch asked l want thing or mess with his bandages. And don't be an insensitive jerk. In fact, just don't speak at all." She covered her smile with her hand.

"Fine, love,but you owe me." He winked and stepped away, into the room.

"We have a lot to talk about." She hummed.

"I'll say. You and Brit-boy are back at it?" May raised an eyebrow.

Bobbi groaned and pursed her lips. "Okay, I'm gonna ignore that." The blonde sighed and gestured for her friends to take a seat. "So..."

/

/

Back in Skye's room, the woman was crying. Not softly or quietly either, loud gulping sobs that wracked her whole body. She didn't quite know what she was crying about but she was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that she was still alive when she very much didn't want to be.

She wanted to cut badly but they'd literally stuck her in a room with nothing. The best she could do was scratch at her arm, opening up the scabbing over cuts.

Red bled across her bandages but still she felt no relief.

She was lost. Darkness filling her every thought as if those thoughts weren't dark enough already. Seeing Ward and her friends had briefly brightened her mood but after a few hours, even seeing them couldn't distract her from the tangled, fucked up thoughts.

She considered other ways to end it. The agents all had weapons, she just had to grab one. That would be easy, she'd had to pickpocket before and she could easily go unnoticed now.

Skye didn't know why she wanted to die, she just knew that it hurt. It all hurt so much. The darkness, the sadness, the crippling blackness. She wanted it to stop. To end. By any means necessary.

She didn't know that at that exact moment, Grant was thinking the exact same thing.

/

/

Hi guys. Feel free to not read this I just wanted to say sorry. I'm really really sorry. The thing is, I'm no better than I was a year ago when I last uploaded. I haven't got any better. I've tried tablet after tablet, therapy after therapy and nothing. I got diagnosed with PTSD about Christmas time, after I started having massive flashbacks and panic attacks connected to something that happened a long time ago. I was in hospital for two months at the start on this year. I was in for Christmas, for my birthday. I tried to kill myself a few times, I cut way worse than I ever had. It hasn't been too long since I last cut. I'm trying to deal every day and yeah, I feel hopeless so my characters do to. I wasn't sure if I should upload. I don't know where this story is going, I don't know how to make my characters better because I'm not any better, because I feel like I will never be better. Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry again. I'll try to upload again soon. If anyone even wants this anymore. Thanks guys, I love you guys so much and I appreciate everything you do. Thank you.

Sophie


	19. 19

/update at the end/

Grant looked over at Hunter and raised an eyebrow, knowing he could overpower the Brit easily and probably silently. The idea of disarming and taking the man's weapon was delicious to him, it swirled around his head like a disease. The thought wouldn't leave him alone.

He planned it out in his head, step by step until he'd already stood without even realising.

Lance Hunter raised an eyebrow right back at him, silently noting the bandages wrapped around the man's arms and cleverly deciding to not mention anything about it. He did however take a step towards the door in case he needed back up.

And it turns out that he did.

Ward's mind had blanked on him the moment he'd seen the gun and in seconds he was on the other man, one tiny yelp coming from Lance's mouth before Ward clamped his hand over his lips and nose, squeezing tightly.

He waited for the body in his arms to become heavy and for the mans eyes to roll back into his head before he unceremoniously dumped the man on the floor.

There had been no chance of him fighting back, Ward had been too strong and too determined for even someone like May to have stopped him getting that gun.

He wanted what he wanted and his mind was on autopilot; he would get what he wanted no matter the cost to himself or to others, even someone he considered a friend like Hunter.

He and Hunter went far back and still Grant didn't get it into his mind that what he was doing was wrong. He just wanted that gun and that was what was important.

But Bobbi had Hunter senses and when she heard the shuffling and the tiniest hint of a yelp, she knew something was wrong. She drew her batons and silenced May and Coulson before kicking the door open to find a horrific looking sight.

A blue lipped and unconscious Hunter lay dumped on the floor at a manic Ward's feet.

Ward had been so heavy handed and desperate that he had choked Hunter out for far longer than he should have.

Bobbi immediately was in the room and next to her boyfriend/lover/ex-husband. "Hunter? Lance?!" She slapped his face and knelt to lower her ear to his chest. "He's not breathing. Oh gods, he's not breathing. Ward what the-" She looked up then to find what May and Coulson had been staring stricken at.

Grant Ward held a gun to his temple, the barrel pinching his skin. There was a sick grating noise as he turned the safety off.

His eyes, empty, fluttered shut.

Before almost anyone could react, there was an explosion of the trigger being pulled and the shot rang out throughout the room.

.

.

.

Coulson had moved, to do God knows what when he heard the shot. He opened his eyes and found Ward on the floor and he thought his agent was dead.

His stomach lurched and he felt like he might be sick. He didn't do so good with emotions or showing them with anyone but with this little family, with Skye, May, FitzSimmons, Hunter, Bobbi and Grant, Natasha and Clint, he'd been learning.

He'd been showing emotions and feelings.

Now he wished he never had. This hurt too much. This was too painful.

But Grant was moving and May was by the side of him and it looked like she had knocked the gun out of his hand and now had him pinned to the floor with a knee in his back.

Once seeing that Ward was restrained and miraculously not hurt, Bobbi looked down at Hunter and rolled the man fully onto his back.

The blonde felt ill.

She pressed her hands to his chest and began to pump down, counting out loud. "One, two, three, four, one, two..." she whispered, her voice quivering.

She couldn't believe Ward had done it and as angry, hurt and upset he was…Hunter was and always would be the most important person in her life.

And she was not giving up on him.

"Please Hunter. Don't do this, you jackass, you don't get to leave me like this." She leaned down to press her lips to his, breathing in and watching his chest rise once, twice, three times. Then an agonising coughing and a gasp of relief from the blonde.

Bobbi pulled him to her chest in a rare show of affection for the Brit, one hand tangled in his hair and a few tears in her bright eyes.

"I'm…okay. I'm okay." He said roughly, coughing and hacking into his hand.

Fucking Ward.

Speaking of…

Coulson scrambled over to Ward who was seemingly catatonic now and took the gun, emptying it and breaking open all the shells so there was no way that they could be used. Behind him he could hear a soft sob.

Phil didn't know what to do anymore. Everything was broken and twisted and he didn't think he could fix this one.

He helped May with Ward, that was one thing he could do. He helped with tying his hands and sitting him on the bed.

Coulson was a foot away when out of the corner of his eye, he saw his comrade and partner pitch forward onto her knees and he frowned in confusion until he saw the bloody hole at her collarbone and her falling backwards onto the white floor, red starting to spread underneath her.

The gun had gone off, but the bullet hadn't its target. It had hit Melinda and now she was bleeding out in front of him.


	20. 20

I'm not gonna try and give excuses for why I haven't updated in a long time. I'm really sorry. I'm gonna be better, I'm gonna try and write more often. I don't know where I'm going with this, since I haven't even figured out what I'm doing with my life lmao but an update is long overdue. It's a short chapter I know. Feel free to inbox me if you wanna ask me anything or know why I wasn't around. One point, I'm not caught up with AoS so please no spoilers. Other than that, enjoy.  
Sophie  
...

"May-" Coulson stammered, walking on weak legs over to his fallen partner.

"Bobbi, get the doctors." Phil ordered, pressing down on the bullet wound. 

May grunted and bucked up under his hand as Phil clamped down. 

Blood welled up and pulsed out under his fingers.

"May...Mel, look at me." Phil murmured, pushing all his weight into his hand. 

"Ward-" She grunted, swallowing hard and blinking her eyes rapidly. 

"Secured. Don't worry about that right now." He murmured, shaking his head. 

Her gaze was unfocused as she looked up at Coulson. 

"You're gonna be alright, Mel." He said firmly, her warm blood dripping from under his hand and onto the white floor. 

"Mel, look at me, eyes up front." He demanded, free hand clutching her jaw.

Her eyelids fluttered and he cursed everything in the world.

Fuck it all.

It wouldn't matter about Ward if Melinda died. He would never forgive himself and there would be no coming back. 

The door slammed open then and doctors swarmed Melinda and Hunter, pushing Coulson back.

...

Three hours later and the team was all split up.

Melinda was still in surgery.

Fitz and Simmons were sitting with Skye.

Bobbi was with Lance.

That left Coulson with Grant. 

His agent was strapped down to the bed, sedated up to the eyeballs.

Coulson settled into his seat, flicking through the cameras on his tablet.

Skye was awake, clearly upset. She was sandwiched in between the two scientists, crying into her hands. 

Throat tight, he closed his eyes. 

His team was torn apart, messed up in ways he couldn't comprehend. 

They had two suicidal agents, one agent undergoing lifesaving surgery and two of their best friends and agents in another room, one on oxygen and sedated and the other trying not to cry.

For once, a Phil had absolutely no idea what to do.

He was helpless, useless. 

He didn't think he could fix this one. 

That scared him more than dying, more than a sceptre through the chest, more than the bright lights of the afterlife. 

He just didn't know what to do.


	21. 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. It's been a while. Sorry. Hope you enjoy the update. TW's as usual <3

Hours passed and Coulson felt no less helpless.

He didn't have a plan, didn't have any clue what to do next.

Melinda was out of surgery but still in ICU, still not out of danger.

Without her at his side, he felt lost. 

She would tell him to buck it up, to get out of his head and sort it out.

He had to figure it out.

He stood, deciding his first port of call should be to see all his agents.

He'd been sitting with Grant for four hours, but he was still heavily sedated and sleeping.

He left the room, another agent stepping into the room on the off chance Grant woke up.

He saw Skye first, still sitting in between Leo and Jemma, but she wasn't crying any more.

"Hi." Phil stepped towards the bed, grabbing the spare seat and sitting for a moment.

Skye looked at him, all big eyes and nervous energy.

"Sir." She said quietly.

"Skye. You can drop the sir, I think we're passed that."

"I'm sorry." The woman shook her head. "I can't believe I did that." She said thickly.

"Do you regret it?" Coulson asked quietly.

"I...I'm not sure. On one hand, yes. I've seen the pain it's caused. But the thoughts are still there. I think...I think I do regret it. I should have come to you. To any of you. Talked before it got to that stage."

"I'm glad you can see that." Phil murmured. "I...I have some news. That will be difficult." He sighed.

The three youngest agents looked at each other, all in various stages of worry.

"What is it?" Jemma asked.

He wasn't entirely sure Skye was well enough to deal with what he had to say, but he would keep no secrets from any of them.

"Grant isn't well. He had...an episode, I suppose. Cut himself. May and I found him. Hunter was watching him and Grant choked him out, took his gun and tried to shoot himself." There was no being delicate about it.

Skye inhaled sharply, hand covering her mouth. Had she done that, had she triggered him?

"Is he okay?" Fitz's voice shook a little.

"Physically, yes. There was an altercation, May managed to get the gun from him, but during that, the gun went off. Melinda...was shot. She's in recovery."

"Shit." Skye cursed, burying her head in her hands.

"That's...bloody hell." Jemma whispered. "What a mess."

"What now?" Skye asked helplessly.

Coulson lifted his head and said very honestly, "I don't know."

Then, "we obviously can't carry on like this. Skye, you and Grant need help. Help we can't offer. The only thing that might help is...a different hospital. Where you can both get professional help. I don't like it, but we've tried, Skye. We can't help you the way you need."

The woman sniffled and rubbed her eyes quickly before looking up. "You're right." She said quietly. "I...I want to get well. I can't feel like this, I can't do this forever."

Phil exhaled. He'd been expecting a fight.

"Okay." He nodded. "I'll sort it out." He stood and walked to the bed.

This was time to be a leader, but it was also time to be family.

He leaned and hugged each one of his agents, lingering on Skye and whispering softly to her.

"You're so strong for agreeing to this, Skye. We can do this." He squeezed her once more before standing. 

"I'll check in soon." He promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little short. I'm dealing badly with chronic illness. I promise this time I will update sooner. Lots of love and thanks for sticking with me.


	22. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Some nice Philinda and worried parental figures. Always heed TW's.

Coulson's next stop was his partner.

He slowly pushed into the white room, swallowing and moving towards the bed.

Melinda was sleeping, not restful in the least, blankets tangled in her legs, soft murmurs under her breath.

Phil sat, gently carding his fingers through tangled black hair.

"Easy, Mel, you're okay." He murmured, forefinger gently drawing circles at her temples.

The woman quietened, seeming to calm down at the touch.

After a couple of minutes, her eyelids fluttered open.

Her eyes flitted around the room as she figured out where she was and what had happened.

Her gaze slowly rested on Phil and the man smiled, brushing hair off her forehead.

"Take it easy, you're hurt." He said softly.

"Mm, I'm realising that." She said thickly, eyes glazed from the meds.

"Does it hurt?" He tried very hard to not look at the stark white bandages wrapped around her shoulder and collarbone.

"Not really. Shield has the best pain meds." She hummed, floating just a little.

Phil chuckled, but it was only noise, nothing about this was funny.

Melinda absently scratched at the oxygen tube at her nose, eyelids slipping.

"Sleep, Mel." Phil leaned over and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"We'll sort it out." He needed to believe it. Maybe saying it would make it true.

"Grant?" She asked, clinging to consciousness. 

"Safe. He's not hurt, you stopped him." 

"The others? Skye?"

"Together. Skye's agreed to look into hospital treatment."

Melinda frowned. "'S that a good idea?"

"It's the only option we have left." He said quietly.

Melinda nodded, clumsily rubbing a hand over her face. "Okay."

"But don't worry about that, I'll sort it. Rest." He touched her cheek. 

Melinda needed no further prompting, falling asleep in mere seconds.

Phil exhaled shakily, tension clawing at his shoulders and reaching his head in what threatened to be a killer migraine.

He was frustrated and scared, virtually alone in his decisions.

Tears burned his eyes and threatened to fall, but didn't.

He still had one more round to make, and it wouldn't be easy.

But Lance and Bobbi deserved an explanation, and then the two agents could decide how they wanted to proceed.

But for now, Phil needed just a moment more with his partner.

He took her hand, thumb stroking over her knuckles. 

It felt like the day would never end and Coulson was more than a little worried of what the future held.

With Melinda asleep, Phil felt just a little alone and his mind flashed to red hair and bow and arrows.

God he missed them. 

Maybe it was time, maybe after all these years, it was time to find his old team again.

They would hate him for not telling them sooner but they would also welcome him back, like a piece of jigsaw finally found.

Maybe they could help.

Maybe everything would be okay.

Maybe it was wishful thinking.

He wasn't excited to find out.


	23. 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! It's been a long time and I can only apologise. It sucks when you lose ideas for a fic you love but that's what happened. I don't want this fic to be all drama and angst but I'm worried you guys might find it boring if it's not all go go go. Anyway, I'm back. I'm not sure if the next update will be soon, it depends if inspiration hits. If you guys have any ideas I'd love to hear them, and I hope you enjoy.

Another half hour passed and Phil still didn't want to move.

The reassuring beep of the monitors as Melinda slept helped the man relax just a little. 

Everyone was still alive. No one was okay, but alive was a start at least.

Sighing, Phil pressed a reluctant kiss to Melinda's forehead before standing.

He'd lost his tie a while ago and his shirt was still bloody but there was nothing to be done about it now.

He had a feeling that at the next stop, Agent Coulson wouldn't be needed anyway. Phil would.

He headed to the room Bobbi and Lance were in, knocking and taking a deep breath before walking in.

Hunter was awake, which actually relieved some of the anxiety in Coulson a little.

"Sir-" his voice was almost completely gone and as Phil stepped closer, he noted the deep bruises winding around his throat, and the oxygen tube under his nose.

"I think we can drop the Sir now, Hunter."

Bobbi wasn't even hiding the wariness in her gaze as she watched Phil take a seat.

"First, I need to apologise. For what happened. You shouldn't have been in that situation." 

"If it wasn't me, it would've been someone else." Hunter shrugged, reaching for Bobbi's hand and squeezing.

"Anyway, Ward didn't do it on purpose. He just wanted me out of the way so he could..."

Phil dropped his gaze and cleared his throat. "I should have seen it coming. One agent wasn't enough, not after we found him with the knife-"

Bobbi finally spoke, "you're many things, Phil, but a clairvoyant is not one of them. No one could have predicted that."

"Maybe not, but that doesnt change the fact that after Skye trying to kill herself, and Grant cut himself, I left him with one guard. That was reckless. That's on me." Phil shook his head.

"Not just you." Bobbi shrugged. "What happens now?"

Phil exhaled, sitting forward in his seat, rubbing at his temples.

"Skye's agreed to go to a treatment centre. I think it could help but Grant...isn't awake yet, drugged up to the eyeballs. I doubt he'd go willingly and it's near on impossible to make that man do something he doesn't want to."

Hunter hummed, leaning his head back as he cleared his throat, wincing. "Yeah that's a tough one, mate."

Bobbi rolled her eyes. "Helpful, Hunter."

"Well what's your idea?" He grumbled.

"Ah...yeah, I don't have anything either, Phil. I really don't know what to suggest other than wait and see how he is when he comes out of sedation. Now that's Skye's agreed, maybe he will too."

"That would be too easy." Phil sighed, voice wary. "After the day we've had, nothing about this is ever going to be that easy."

"Have faith, Phil." Bobbi said gently. "Maybe this day will have a better ending."

Phil doubted it.

But he still hoped for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its short I know but I'm doing my best❤❤❤


End file.
